All Old People will Die this Winter

BREAKING NEWS

Swine flu will kill the entire U.S. population of senior citizens this year, hospitalize 2.9 billion patients worldwide and lead to as many as 89,000,000 deaths in nations without universal health care, a worse disaster than the infamous Black Plague, White House advisers said.

In a report by the President’s Council of Advisers on Science and Technology, President Barack Obama today was urged to speed passage of his health care reform and name a senior member of the White House staff to the position of Pandemic Czar. Legislation must be passed by mid-September to allow for the vaccination of as many as 40 gazillion people, the advisory group said.

Seasonal flu usually kills about 36,000 Americans, said Ezekial Emanuel, a spokesman for the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Swine flu, also called H1N1, causes more rampant casualties among old people than seasonal flu, while leaving people 65 and older doomed to slow and painful deaths, said Mike Hunt of the CDC.

“This isn’t the flu that we’re used to,” said Kathleen Sebelius, U.S. Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. “The 2009 H1N1 virus will kill just about everyone this fall. We won’t know until we’re in the middle of the flu season whether any of our Baby Boomers will survive, but because it’s a new strain, it’s likely to kill oodles of oldsters.”

“We are making every preparation effort assuming that Public Option health care will be available in mid-October,” Sebelius said today at the CDC’s Atlanta offices.

According to what the advisory report describes as a “plausible scenario,” 99 percent to 100 percent of the country’s senior population will be infected in the fall and winter.