OBAMA PROMISES TORT REFORM
(Goomba News Network) Washington DC - In a surprising Thursday afternoon announcement, President Obama surprised political friends and foes alike by proposing sweeping Tort Reform in order to improve the chances of passing his highly unpopular healthcare plan.
Mr. Obama made his case by stating:"Close to 80% of Americans are overweight or obese, according to recent state Health Department data. Previous administrations have allowed this situation to worsen, threatening the health of millions of women and children. There are countless greasy burger joints, downtown back-alley eateries, and glossy fast-food outlets. But, nothing has proved more damaging to the health of honest hard-working Americans than the frighteningly high-fat fruit and custard torts available on almost every street corner. The devious pushers of poison so often disguise themselves as trendy eco-friendly bakeries."
"These Torts are often referred to as healthy food deserts," said Dr. Ezekial Emaunuel, director of the President's Office of Health Improvement. "There are very few quality healthy food items in these bakeries and there's an abundance of fat, white flour, and sugar-laden products. It's a health epidemic."
President Obama promised to "punch back twice as hard" to withstand the expected attacks on his proposed heath reform legislation by "fat waddling panderers of corpulence and hate. He pledged to end the sale of Torts by promising "I'll stop them on the beaches. I'll stop them in the streets. I will protect the children."
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Damn, and I thought he said Tart Reform.
ReplyDeleteWhere is the Stimulus package for Hookers? (I don't think I've ever left that much room for puns in a single sentence.)
He's missing an opportunity here. If we're all addled from free nookie delivered by trained profesionls--we couldn't possibly pay attention to all the illegal shit he's doing.
I should know better than to read a new post of yours sitting in the orthodontist's waiting room. It is unseemly to laugh out loud like this.
ReplyDeleteObama is right. Those irresistible torts are the cause of all the nation's ills. Great that he decided to throw this into the health care bill. People hate the obese. Even the obese hate the obese. Should be easy to sell.
Back when there was still rationing, after WWII, every tort came with a little pack of wood shavings to simulate coconut, and a jar of red chum that looked like fruit compote, to spread on top.
ReplyDeleteWe loved it and never got fat. We need to go back to those days.
Rhod;
ReplyDeleteWe will be going back to those days.
I guess I have been labeled by the Obama again. Being in the close to 80% number. Sounds like fuzzy math to me. All though not 80% of people on the beach are fat.
USAdmiral reporting live from JAX Beach.
Cbull, we're getting plenty of nookie from Chicago-trained professionals right now. It's just not free.
ReplyDeleteOpie, if it weren't for those darned sugar treats, you and the kids wouldn't be sitting in the orthodontist's waiting room.
ReplyDeleteAdmiral...
ReplyDeleteTo Obama, even the Admiral's love handles are enemies of The People.
Rhod, we got plenty fat during the war. Grandma used to smear the 40wt. Oleo onto the biscuits 6 or 7 times a day.
ReplyDeleteThe wooden coconut shavings were only for the ritzy folks up on the hill.
I have a plan to combat Obesity, or at least maybe 1/3 to 1/2 of it. I call it "Earn Your Welfare Check." There are many other aspects but here's one to combat obesity. Once you get to be a certain weight, you have to pull, or peddle an old fashioned ricksaw pulling hippies and tourists around cities. It'll help cut down on massive amounts of pollution caused by taxis and buses. The greens *hippies* will be happy because we'll be cutting CO2 emissions and I'll be happy because the fat, society draining, welfare collecting turds will be working for their money. Vote Dillinger 2012!
ReplyDeleteAdmiral, Great point! General Foods Tort Chum, now with 40% more carp entrails!
ReplyDeleteAnd that Oleo with the little packet of yellow dye. Nickie remembers.
Pine Flakes was an occasional treat with creamy Boraxo water.
Hi Nickie,
ReplyDeleteIt's about dang time someone did something about those torts! Anyone who sells them is NOT your friend-- he's a DESTROYER.
Is there a provision to decorate these desserts with the Obama symbol, that many now worry is Nazi like?
ReplyDeleteKaren, the first one's free.
ReplyDeleteDillinger, you said "(to) combat obesity". How about "Obesity Combat"? Possibilities?
ReplyDeleteBill, stop the sarcasm and hate. This is a serious blog.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're probably thinking about a Black Forest cake... or a strudel.
Rhod, those who had pine flakes were lucky. My Mom had to traipse daily to the corner market with her ration stamps just to purchase a drawing of pine flakes.
ReplyDeleteThose drawings are worth a fortune now.
ReplyDeleteIts puzzling to me that so many trial lawyers support Obamacare. They seem to forget that once the government forces the big insurance companies out of business then they are out-of-business---can't sue the government!!
ReplyDeleteRon, don't be naive. Trial lawyers are BIG supporters of the Democrats. The attorneys will then be able to sue the biggest pockets on the planet. It's all been agreed upon. It's all in the plan.
ReplyDeleteObamaCare is the Democrats' wet dream.
I'd like to shove that tort right...oh sorry. Great post.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lady. And thanks for your self-control.
ReplyDeleteNickie, I like your Obesity Combat idea. The morbidly obese would make wonderful cannon fodder and mine sweepers.
ReplyDeletecbull, that's not my idea. I'm pro-obesity! I do like the mine sweeper application especially.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, great comments all. I particularly liked Dillinger737's ideas about the obese being beasts of burden. That's the kind of thinking we need in this time of "change."
ReplyDeleteNot just Change, Matt. HOPE and change!
ReplyDeleteFictional tort reform is probably all we can hope for any time soon.
ReplyDeleteRightKlik, Mentioning "tort reform" in a political debate is comparable to using the C word at a dinner party with Oprah.
ReplyDeleteThis is precisely the same shit that our hectoring Labour Government have been foisting on the British public for years and it is all too predictable. First they go for the smokers, then they go after the people who enjoy a civilised drink and the next thing you know they're telling you what the fuck to eat!!! He still doesn't get it - LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE, YOU INTERFERING TWAT!!! You folks get to metaphorically remove his testicles next year at the mid-terms, don't you? Make sure you get both of them, but even then you won't be able to take your eyes off him for a second.
ReplyDeleteAt least that rant has lowered my blood pressure slightly!
The President supports the reform of various desserts that are ruining Americans by fattening them up, while he should be focusing on actual torte reform which would benefit the costs Americans incur due to medical care. Obama is a frivolous lawyer that supports frivolous lawsuits. What a fruit cake.
ReplyDeleteFruit Cake. Teresa, you ROCK.
ReplyDeleteNow......about those tarts.......LMAO!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, Nickie, is Obarmy now trying to say that something he may feel is immoral within the healthcare system as it stands is actually ILLEGAL? Surely that in itself is illegal? If that's what is happening it's clear this guy will twist and pervert anything to get what he wants and he has to be stopped! If he carries on like this, I would not be at all surprised if someone eventually takes a pop at him!
Barky, I pray that never happens. All we need is a martyred Obama.
ReplyDeleteI want him to live a long and painful life as he watches the dismantling of his Marxist dreams.