I walked to town this morning. My household supply of martini olives had grown alarmingly low, so I strolled up to the local Shop 'N Bag with the goal of replenishing a few of life's staples. I almost turned back after spotting Corina Flatt-Tuttle perched at a card table just to the right of the automatic doors.She's an energetic steel-eyed New Age gal who resembles a shorter and less mellow Bea Arthur. Corina was collecting signatures. I gathered my pluck and paced steadily forward.
"Corina, what a glorious morning. God's up there in the big chair and, basically, the world's not bad."She lit up like a puppy.
"Nickie, I need your help. The Nevada County Mothers for Healthy Air need you to support us. We want people to breathe freely. I know you do too."I looked for a quick escape, but a gaggle of Seniors were approaching the entrance with a hesitancy usually reserved for llamas leaping through inner tubes.
"It's at the top of my list."Relief swept over her.
I breathed deeply and spoke slowly."We must ban fireplaces and woodstoves that spew out their filth and poison our children. You have probably noticed the extreme heat lately. Someone has to do something to lessen this County's carbon footprint. We'd also be saving our native forests and their habitat. Sign right here."
At that moment, I felt as one with child molesters perp-walked past glaring parents. Bill Buckner and I were birds of a feather. Corina Flatt-Tuttle's glare clearly wished harm to my spawn for generations to come."I have noticed the heat. I chalked it up to that whole Summer thing. Corina, this community is surrounded my millions of acres of forest, and, at present, there is an active forest fire gobbling up thousands of acres a day. T'was ever thus. Show me where I can sign to have the government ban forest fires.
Anyhoo, I've always considered trees to be a renewable resource. Chestnuts roasting on an Aga stove? I'm gonna have to think this one over."
The oldsters at the entrance had collectively solved the puzzle of the stacked red shopping baskets, so I slunk gingerly into the air-conditioned sanctuary.
I bought olives, ham steaks, and a jar of fair trade organic dye-free peppercorns.
I'm not totally unsympathetic to the cause.
Next time, just say "you gave at the office."
ReplyDeleteThat would probably be better received than "I gave at the orifice".
ReplyDeleteHow about telling the ladies and Gents of the "green nutty revolution" to go soak their heads in order to rid their heads of the dangerous vapors coming from their heads? Their brains might use too much brain power and cause a carbon footprint. The vapors might turn into a very large carbon footprint and the ladies and Gents in "green" wouldn't want that to happen? Maybe they should stop thinking.... I think the ladies and Gents of the "green nutty revolution" have already accomplished that.
ReplyDeleteAn Aga? You're in America now, mate.
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, are you still president of the David Dickinson fan club?
Terri, next time that's just what I'll say.
ReplyDeleteRhod...
ReplyDeletePresident?? Nope.
But for one week in 1981, while dating a gorgeous Ukrainian lass who loved the look, I sported the haircut.
LMAO!
ReplyDeleteShe sounds like she needs to breathe some healthy air instead of all of that methane from between her cheeks.
ReplyDeleteA couple of years back there was a group of folks in our neighborhood got in a hissy fit because planes on the way to the airport made too much noise; as if that airport wasn't there before our neighborhood was even built.
ReplyDeleteNo, I didn't sign their petition to make the planes alter their route or fly higher. I kind of like the planes flying over, and I enjoy being close enough to the airport so it doesn't take all day to drive there.
Thanks, Lovely!
ReplyDeleteC'mon, Red...
ReplyDeleteShe's a lovely concerned earth mother. She's be a whole lot more tolerable if she'd just mind her own business.
T.F., yours is just the typical right wing racist attitude.
ReplyDeleteNobody anywhere should ever have to be uncomfortable or offended in any way. That's the new American creed.
Up here in the cold white north (Canada) people are actually protesting construction of a landfill site over top of an aquifer with water judged by a German lab to be the purest in the world. If we run outa clean water we can just go buy some at the store FCS!
ReplyDeletehttp://tiny.cc/6QBEA
I'm assuming this is a government landfill.
ReplyDeleteLandfills are run by private industry here Nickie but do need government approval to build and operate.
ReplyDeleteIf Ms. Corina has her way, will it change the temperatures here in the Deep South? Can she do it by tomorrow?
ReplyDeleteBe careful what you ask for. You will will be boiling grits on a solar stove.
ReplyDeleteYou sounded like you reacted very calmly. I would have had quite a story about my poor upbrigning and burning all our garbage (including plastic milk jugs- stinky)for heat in the winter.....not to be funny, even though it is, but because i is all true!
ReplyDeleteI had so many job-sites protested that I began signing petitions against myself.
ReplyDeleteThats when I knew it was time to retire the old fuse.
ps. I bet she still loves you anyway, hey, whats not to love?
I always sign old peoples petitions--gives them a feeling of importance that some have lost--Use a lighter same a match to protect the forest. Environmentist wackos piss me off---they only see one side of the issue--two sides to every coin.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your Barack the Barbarian and Enchantress image and used it on my site--it was great!!!!
She wanted you to sign a petition!
ReplyDeleteIsn't that kind of like killing Grandma to get the family together to talk about how bad murder is?
The more signatures she gets, the more pieces of paper she needs, the more trees need to be cut down for silly petitions.
"Grits on a solar stove", I love it!
ReplyDeleteFrances, global cooling is on the way, unfortunately. I'm predicting some time in the Autumn.
ReplyDeleteWetzy, nice touch!
ReplyDeleteLuck is, it could have been a boring day.
ReplyDeleteRamsam, middle class neo-hippies have great difficulty understanding real life and true hard times (unless there's a folksy soundtrack).
ReplyDeletePowdie, it is such a pleasure when you take time to brighten this site. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteRon, I'm glad you like it.
ReplyDeleteGeneration, I suspect it was written on hemp.
ReplyDeleteIf I may make a suggestion. Plant an olive tree in your yard.
ReplyDeleteHoly Smokes!! And I do mean smokes!!
ReplyDeleteOutstanding, brother Nick. About the only experience I have simliar was a hamburger order I placed at the Meat is Murder table on Venice Beach many moons ago.
No foolin'
I remember. You asked for medium rare!
ReplyDeleteHere in Toronto we have to pay 5 cents per grocery store bag. It's to help save the enviroment. I think it's stupid. The money stays in the hand of the merchants. They are making money off this. If they don't charge everyone 5 cents a bag the will get charged. I believe it's $5,000. What do you think of that?
ReplyDelete