I was out in the garage last week, rewiring a toaster, when Maria shouted out that there was a phone call for me. I shook the solder and bread crumbs from my mitts, opened the squeaky screen door and entered the kitchen.
Maria said: "It's Barbara. She's very upset."
Barbara was my second wife. We enjoyed a heated May-September fling in the 70's and, while the divorce was ugly and mean-spirited, we had maintained a cordial level of communication over the decades.
I picked up the phone. Barbara had been reading the blog and was offended by the escalating use of "posterior humor" introduced by Sig94's writings. I calmed her by explaining the erratic behavior caused by the presence of a bronze plate in Siggie's head.
That seemed to calm her, but there was no tempering her views on the upcoming election. She insisted that I immediately tell every one of this blog's readers that if the Democrat Party were to escape with even one congressional seat, she will personally "hunt down every American voter and plant my size 7's squarely up their poop chutes". She was unable to recognize the irony in her declaration.
I planned to post her statement on Monday. Alas, life has a way of disrupting one's plans. I've just learned that Barbara Billingsley has shaken off that mortal coil. Cancer did its ugly work. I can't now fulfill her request, but I can ask each and every one of you to remember her on November 2nd.
Good-bye my Naughty Chipmunk,
Your Funny Bunny
Mrs. Cleaver will be on my shoulder when I walk into the voting booth.
ReplyDeleteI had the bronze piece plated Nickie, with nickel-cadmium. Now I no longer smell feathers all the time.
ReplyDeleteWhen do I get the toaster back?
Barbara's passing is a sad day for America. Sorry to hear that this affected your blogging plans, Nickie.
ReplyDeleteZio... Be careful when you sweep that curtain closed. You are not Zorro, my friend.
ReplyDeleteSig, it's toasting unevenly. But it's glowing like crazy.
ReplyDeleteWhy didn't you ask them to put the plate on the inside instead of ObamaCare-style?
Ope... She's an American icon whose presence and projected values seem to have gone out of style (for now).
ReplyDeleteI will satisfy her dying wish with enthusiasm.
ReplyDeleteMrs. Cleaver ... a woman who loved her husband, her kids, her life, her country ... what a woman.
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ReplyDeleteI'll always remember how she stopped Ward from being too hard on the Beaver.
ReplyDeleteAnother 1950's cultural icon is gone. In another thirty years there will be no one left who understands what real family entertainment was like. There will only be the crap, and worse, that prevails now.
ReplyDeleteOh Nickie, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll get out there and vote as many times as I can just for her. NOvember!
ReplyDeleteNickie, as I read through this post I clearly "understood" that you and Barbara Billingsley were married at one time. Reading the comments, it appears others are of the same understanding. But her bio mentions a marriage from the late 50's until 1981. Is this post just fiction to honor her, or am I missing something? So confused...
ReplyDeleteA small piece of me died also.
ReplyDeleteMay she Rest In Peace.
KID... I expected no less from you.
ReplyDeleteDC... and she was a snappy litle dancer.
ReplyDeleteRhod... such sophomoric humour. Sig is proving to be a terrible influence.
ReplyDeleteSig... Is there any better cultural enhancement than reality TV?
ReplyDeleteWoody, you can always slip into Nevada and vote against Harry.
ReplyDeleteHoping - If you're gonna put my personal life through a veracity screen, I'm in big trouble. When I claimed to have fathered the Manning boys, there were threats from the international blogmaster to revoke my poetic license.
ReplyDeleteDad... She was a classy broad. They don't make 'em nicer than her.
ReplyDeleteNickie,
ReplyDeleteYou are a tricky man. I have to keep not one but both eyes on you. Heh!
As for the lady... I still hope to find my own Mrs. America. Women are simply not like, or seemingly able to be like, that anymore. A man can dream.
You guys just don't realize how hard it is for me to bring a higher level of scatological criticism as it relates to liberal progressivism to this blog. I feel so abused; I work my ass to the bone...
ReplyDeleteScatology. Now that's a word to conjure with. I know what it means, too: I just don't know why anyone wants to study scat and obtain a degree in doing so. We already have Poli Sci.
ReplyDeleteRhod - As a Poli Sci major, I am afraid I resemble that reamrk.
ReplyDeleteShe was a true American Conservative Icon, lovely woman, and great actress. Nuf Said!
ReplyDelete