One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as
a Christmas
gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a
gift.
When she asked me why, I
replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last
year!"
And then the fight
started...
________________________________
My wife
and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in
bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to fool
around?'
'No,' she answered.. I then
said,
'Is that your final
answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a
friend."
And that's when the fight
started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a
restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare,
please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad
cow?"
"Nah, she can order for
herself."
And then the fight
started...
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high
school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man
swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.
I asked her, "Do you
know him?"
"Yes", she
sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I
understand he took to drinking
right after we split
up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go
on
celebrating that
long?"
And then the
fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I
always had
something else to take care of first, the
shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever
way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the
tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of
sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short
time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute,
and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I
said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well
sweep the driveway.."
And then the fight
started...
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping
channels.
She asked, "What's on
TV?"
I said,
"Dust."
And then
the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked
the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a
torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather
would be
bad all day.
I went back into the
house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe
my
stupid husband is out fishing in
that?"
And then the fight
started...
_______________________________
My wife
was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to over 150
in
about 3
seconds."
I bought
her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight
started...
______________________________
After
retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my
pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told
the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back
later.
The woman said,
'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my
shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have
dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability
too.'
And then the fight
started...
_______________________________
My wife
was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a
compliment.'
I replied, "Your
eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight
started...
________________________________
I
rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a
DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT
Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE
you then?'
And then the fight
started...
H/T to Dean