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July 7, 2009

Victim Land


Nickie Goomba says:
LET THESE PEOPLE GO!


I am sitting down tonight and writing a long, rambling and profane letter to my legislators. They are going to learn of my plan to return the United States to a position of prestige and abundance. My plan? Give California away. Well, it's a little more complicated than that.

The USA is an oppressive nation. We can all agree on that. It's hard to find a group that hasn't been belittled and dominated by religious gun-toting capitalist white males and their ilk. I propose a new and independent nation called VICTIM LAND formed in what is now California. Existing homes will be given to anybody who has, in the past, identified himself or herself or itself as a victim. That's it. Case closed.

All victims get to live and be part of a community that will understand their struggles against oppression. Transgenders will surf with midgets. Feminists will frequent the lush state park system shoulder to shoulder with Islamic fundamentalists and hippies, environmentalists and illegal aliens, marxists and racial minorities. Theirs will be a land of plenty, the ultimate land of fairness, a bastion of understanding whose bright florescent beacon of love and equality will shine bright (but efficiently) as an example to all the world.

Oh, and when VICTIM LAND has welcomed its whining masses yearning to breathe free, its tired, its poor, and its complainers... THEN, we'll build a giant goddam wall and SECURE OUR BORDERS.

VICTIM LAND's immigration plan will be better and much more equitable and generous than America's mean-spirited approach. All will be welcome to share in the abundance. Trial lawyers and doctors will all work pro bono. Every one of Victim Land's plentiful jobs will be a union job. Food and medical care and child care and speech will all be free. Welfare will be generous. And there will be no more religious domination of the society. Talk of God will be forbidden everywhere, except in the mosques.

Anyone with a grievance can travel free to Berkeley (or Santa Monica or wherever they choose as their nation's capital) to protest anything while carrying free government-supplied and ergonomically correct signs. Citizens will scurry from "green villages" to "organic co-ops" in solar-powered bicycles and wind-powered land ferries. Everybody, for their own safety, will be mandated to wear seat belts, helmets, and big foamy underwear from morning to night. And, of course, no citizen will ever be offended. That promise will be in their constitution.

This is an idea whose time has come. On this blog's right hand column you'll find our poster and script you can insert into your blog to tell the world that it's finally time for the USA to play fair.

84 comments:

Hammer said...

I think this is a workable plan. It can all be paid for with IOUs ;D

Anonymous said...

Think of how many businesses would go flying out of California.

Anonymous said...

Hammer, that's the best part. They will run their own banks and treasury. They can print all the money they want. Every 1st and 15th of the month there's a new stimulus package. Sounds like Utopia.

Whimsical Ranter said...

Don't blame me, when I left California it had a surplus, of course I knew it wouldn't last. Which is another reason why I left it.

Come to think you can throw Oregon into it too, not only is it full of whiners they're mostly stupid.

OMG did I say that out loud? My bad, the backspace key on my computer seems to broken...oh well such is life...

Opus #6 said...

I laughed at the parts where you said, "we'll build a giant goddam wall and SECURE OUR BORDERS." And "except in mosques." LOL

Yep, I know what you are talking about. I live in California. But I dream about Texas. And Montana. And every place else where the people respect the Constitution and second amendment and property rights.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Opie, I knew you'd love it.

BTW, I added your photo link to my site, so I expect you to throw the poster onto your site for a few days.

I want to ask you a question, but I'm afraid of the answer I may get. Heck, I'll ask anyway...

You're not an Angels fan, are you?

Woodsterman / Got Wood? (Odie) said...

Oh, I'm so ashamed ... I live in California ... Oh Drat.

Anonymous said...

Start packin', my son. There's always Reno.

Z said...

I love my state.
We'll get over it.

But, this WAS funny. Please don't let Santa Monica be the capital; I hate crowds. The way you describe it, Berkeley would be FAR more fitting, anyway!

powdergirl said...

Feminists shoulder to shoulder with islamist fundamentalists.

Yeah, that outta fly.

Hah, maybe lesbians will put the fun back in fundamentalism too?

Great read.Thanks!

USA_Admiral said...

I am for it. The sooner the better.

Propagandist said...

The general public should be able to vote other people to exile in Victim Land. My first couple of votes go to Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson.

All the houses in Victim Land should, immediately, be taken off the grid and required to use nothing but wind and/or solar power. Everything Victim Landians wear, use and eat must be not create any type of impact on the environment.

How do you think they're going to enjoy carrying around laptops and cell phones that lack silicon and plastic components?

Dust'n Lint said...

Let me tell you about the future of Victim Land. The Mexican army will amass at the boarder waiting for orders to attack. They will take Victim Land back as their own once more.

The "not so proud ex-Americans" in the bay area will go south to meet them with flowers in their hair. The new "illegal - legal aliens", believed to be 10,000,000 strong, will become the new M.I.A. (Mexican Intelligence Agency). They will work from within to squash any resistance coming from people left in the senior citizens homes. They will be the only ones left that remember the U.S.A.

Victim Land will become a new state of Mexico. My biggest fear is that they will deport the English specking citizens to the New U.S.A. ... we're screwed again unless those border fences are built quickly enough.

Opus #6 said...

OK, Nickie, checkmate. Now I *have* to post your victimland button. And I will. I always honor my blogging obligations. The ladies won't understand the button, but maybe they will click out of curiosity and that will be a good thing.

As for the Angels, no. I am not an Angel fan. If I were to be invited to a game I would go, but I would not know any of the player's names or stats. Is Scoscia still coaching them? I don't even know. And I only know him because he used to be a Dodger back when I paid attention. He was an excellent catcher. I lived Dodger baseball back in the late 80s. Steve Sax, Orel Herschiser, Pedro Guerrero, Mike Scoscia...those were PLAYERS. Too bad they blew out Herschiser's arm in the playoffs/series that year. No come-back after that.

But wherever my loyalties lie, I will forever root for the Cubs. They are the team of my birthplace, Chicago. And old blood runs true.

Anonymous said...

Z, El Cento may be a possibility. That would be a lot more convenient for the workforce they'll need to import.

Anonymous said...

Powdergirl...

I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love.

Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow-white turtle doves.

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony.

I'd like to hold it in my arms and keep it company.

I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand.

And hear them echo through the hills "Ah, peace throughout the land".

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony.

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony

Id like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love.

Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow-white turtle doves.

Anonymous said...

Admiral, I welcome your support. Now, go take it to the streets! Politely!

Anonymous said...

Propagandist...

I envision thick burqa-like headgear to nullify the effects of breathing on the Victim Land carbon footprint.

And a return to Dell Computer's ill-fated "LL Bean Laptop Computer" which was basically wood, microfiber and down-filled.

Anonymous said...

Dusty, how tragic it would be if Victim Land itself was victimized by mean people. How unfair.

Anonymous said...

Opie, I salute your baseball loyalties.

If you ever want to learn more about the grand old game, ask Rhod. He'll talk your ear off about how he and Abner Doubleday, during the sport's formative years, battled constantly. Doubleday insisted on playing on grass rather than clay. Rhod, to this day, insists that infielders should play pantless. True living history.

Sparkling Red said...

Will the Big Foamy Underwear also be supplied free by the state Gov't? I can't think of a better enticement to move to Victim Land than free underwear.

Anonymous said...

Ranter, for that matter let's toss in Massachusetts too. The only reason I chose California is so they could all stroll to the beaches and admire the non-functioning oil rigs.

Anonymous said...

Red, big foamy "safety" underwear may seem an attractive option at first blush. But such garments produce a VPL (visible panty line) noticeable from two miles on a clear day.

Rhod said...

Goomba:

How sharper than a child's tooth is a thankless serpent.

I taught you how to swing a bat with that barrel stave and you bring up the Abner contretempts?

We had to deal with his Bull Run flashbacks, and I'm telling you, he was better at pitching woo than pitching a ball.

To happer days... Much later I played for Guernsey Chevrolet in CT, in a baggy flannel uniform and striped wool hat with a little knob on the crown. I can smell the Dubblemint, the sweat and Neatsfoot Oil even now.

Rhod said...

Maybe that was Doublemint. My catchers' thumb interferes with my spelling....

Anonymous said...

And thanks to the likes of you, before their extinction in 1978, herds of limping Neats wandered the Siberian Peninsula sans feet.

North Northwester said...

The commies want the whole bloody lot.

Always have: always will. They'd take Cal, and start subverting the rest from Day One.

Read your Milton.
Satan plans to relaunch his war against Heaven the instant he hits dirt in Hell.

So, too, with the totalitarian true-believers.


Still, Caliphornia sounds like a good name for the new Sultanate.

Anonymous said...

Caliphornia. Excellent!

I was reading Uncle Miltie last night.

He said "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. "

Rhod said...

Personally, my favorite Milton is Aeropagitica.

Anonymous said...

Sort of an early plea for freewheelin' hijinks on the Internets.

Rhod said...

No, something bubbling from your Dark Unconscious started all this, and Satan showed up.

WomanHonorThyself said...

fabulous rant..FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT!!

Opus #6 said...

You guys are running rings around me today. I gotta go right now to take my kid to an appointment, but when I'm back I will bring my dictionary and thesaurus.

Anonymous said...

WomanHonorThyself, You honor me with your visit.

Stop by anytime.

lovelyprism said...

I forgot my dictionary and thesaurus as well. Anything I say will sound dumb. Is it ok if I just sit and watch and look pretty?

Loved the post though, made me laugh. I understood it, just have nothing of value to contribute lol.

Anonymous said...

Opie,

I look forward to your return from domestic demands. I shall wander the halls toting my vade mecum, briefly strum my sambuca, recite my kaddish, and eventually return to my ecdemomania as a dog returns to its vomit.

Write soon.

Anonymous said...

Prism, that is not fair. You are able to look pretty with absolutely no effort.

Nothing to contribute? Your smile and youthful countenance are all the contribution required.

Your few winning words are nothing less than a gilding of the lily.

Anonymous said...

Make it a really high fence.

Anonymous said...

I think they will save lots of money because they won't have any prison or jails.

Anonymous said...

Victim Land President Henry Waxman. I'd like to see that.

Ananda girl said...

I know you are making a serious point here, but I must say... I am assless, having laughed mine right off.

Is it wrong of me to want to watch the transgenders and midgets surf? I think with enough tequila it might make for a hilarious vacation spot.
So there's a marketing point.

Thanks for dropping in today at Oodles of Funch.

Red said...

"Is it wrong of me to want to watch the transgenders and midgets surf? I think with enough tequila it might make for a hilarious vacation spot."


That is never wrong. And that would take a lot of tequila.

Opus #6 said...

It would be so much easier to laugh about Caliphornia is I didn't friggin' LIVE here. DON'T LOCK ME IN WITH THESE PEOPLE! HAVE MERCY! Or at least send me a cake with a file in it.

Anonymous said...

Ananda,

Tequila might enhance the experience, but so would a tie-dye t-shirt drenched in patchouli oil.

Thanks for the visit.

Anonymous said...

You're right, Red. Whom are we to make value judgments?

dmarks said...

Sounds like a plan. Look at my profile pic. See that guy? Lex Luthor has a surefire plan to separate California from the rest of the US. Just watch the documentary "Superman I".

Anonymous said...

Opie, not to worry. You'll reach awareness that the exodus has begun when you notice the taxpayers bumper-to-bumper clogging the freeways heading east.

Anonymous said...

Documentary?

Dmarks, Superman I was my autobiography, accurate to the Nth degree! Victoria's Secret put out a whole line of lead-lined brassieres just because I was reaching puberty.

Thanks for stopping by.

dmarks said...

I remember that, and they had a factory in Malaysia with kids soldering on the bra-straps.

It was a bit of a scandal when Victoria's Secret realized that nothing was secret from the prying eyes of Kryptonians, and they made a deal with the Deibold bank-vault company and came out with a line of women's underwear impervious to Superman's eyes.

billy pilgrim said...

where the vegetables are green
and you can pee right into the stream

yup, i headin for california.

The_Kid said...

Well done sir. We'll be there in no time.

Dr. Dave said...

I'm on board, Nickie. How do I get in on this?

Anonymous said...

Dmarks, I'm pleased to discover that not everyone has forgotten their American history.

Anonymous said...

Tat was close, Pilgrim.

It's "Where the people are green, and even the streams are Low Flow."

Anonymous said...

Kid, I appreciate your patriotism, but there will be things happening on the streets of Victim Land that a young 'un don't need no part of.

Anonymous said...

Dave, I knew you'd be there. Grab a poster and tell the world. We're making history.

Dillinger737 said...

It would appear that Lilith has no opinion on this matter... surprise, surprise. I'm in, but you know they're all going to to start bitching it's our fault they failed and try to come back. Can we at least employ snipers to guard the border?

Anonymous said...

I thought Lily would be the first to comment. My guess? She's packing her bags for the coast.

Or, of course, she could be at home polishing her serpent (if you'll excuse the expression).

Dr. Paleo Ph.D. said...

As a Californian....

HILARIOUSSSSSSSS!!!!

Opus #6 said...

This reminds me of a blog post I put up on May 10th:
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion.

That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and over sized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find. You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors.

We'll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

Post borrowed from Virtual Mirage.

Anonymous said...

Opie,

Great post. And yet more proof that...

1. Great minds think alike.

or, more likely...

2. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Opus #6 said...

Getting the word out is key. Besides, I like your humorous presentation the BEST! You catch more liberals with humor than with finger-wagging lectures, I always say.

Anonymous said...

Paleo,

As a Californian, you have earned the right to laugh. You've been grinding your teeth long enough.

Anonymous said...

As I recall, what you always say is "Bloom where you're planted".

Well, I may never have heard you say that but, after reading a couple of years of your blogging, I know you've lived that. Well done.

ParaPacem said...

Can we move the UN building there too? Maybe the extra weight would fracture a fault line! Win / win!

Anonymous said...

Man, are U Thanting me?

ParaPacem said...

THAT was so bad I spilled my Kofi.

Rhod said...

Good grief.

Rhod said...

Try punning with Hammerskold.

ParaPacem said...

If your Hammerskold, wrap it in a warm sock.
Which remidns me that Hillary Clinton stole my Dutch chocolate bar and I hope it will Rotterdam teeth out.

Rhod said...

You, sir or madame, are a master/mistress.

Opus #6 said...

Rotterdam, LOL. I love it!

ParaPacem said...

Garsh - thanks, both of you'uns. As a solid male ( solid all the way through, like a potato) I am so overcome by your comments, that I feel a thrill running up my leg.
No, wait - that was Chris Matthews' hand.
Seriously - I thank you and I scuff my little brown high top shoes in the dust, and twang my suspenders in true humility.
I love you big lugs, I really do.

Rhod said...

I kinda like you too Paramecium. You have that Goomba je ne sais quoi.

However, suspender twanging and dirt scufffing is so Will Rogers!

Goomba expects forelock tugging, a nice ham for the holidays and a truckload of microwaves.

He even insists upon teased hair for Opie.

ParaPacem said...

OK, teased hair for Opie - how's this:

"Opie Taylor, you little inbred Deity-hating ingrate, your skanky red hair looks like it was puked up by Carrot Top's pet hyena; what do you groom it with, rancid olive oil? Parasite-ridden yak butter? Or maybe the diarrhetic dribble of an alcoholic clown with bleeding ulcers?"

Good enough?

Hams and microwaves - budget does NOT allow, I am not one of Uncle Obongo's family bastards. BUT - tell you what I can do.
Will send you two gross of nearly unused Bic pens bearing the hardly noticeable typo,
"Season's Greetings 2003
From Your Friends at
First Central Bnak"
They are sure to become collector's items in no time at all. And they work great for cleaning way deep in the ear canal, too, in fact one or two may seem to ber witness to that, but a quick swipe with aurine soaked Sham Wow will shine them right up again!

ParaPacem said...

PS - I DO apologize for the plethora of typos. My old Welsh nanny used to tell me if I didn't stop, uh, something that I sometimes did, I would grow up dyslexic. I didn't believe her.
Foolish youth!

Rhod said...

I'm breathless...the man is a god!

The clown thing hurt me, though, and the "Bnak". I worked as a clown AND a bnak teller long ago.

ParaPacem said...

You must be kidding!!! MY... my... my MOM was a bank teller / clown during the Great Depression!! You might be the guy in the old photo albums, the one she always called Uncle Spatchy, the Clown Who Made Good!!!!
If we ARE related that is great, 'cause if I ever need, like, a kidney or a prostate or something, I know someone to call on!

And of course that works both ways - I mean, if you needed to borrow a wok, or a tire tool or flashlight or something...

Rhod said...

Sorry, Para, I won that paternity suit.

Your father was the corn dog barker near the plate-coin-toss. I heard later that he opened an animal wax works in Toledo. From there? Who knows? The System always swallows up the aesthetes.

Oh yeah, can I borrow your prostate?

ParaPacem said...

You know, Bawney Fwank asked that last week and I said no. But since you're family, sure.
I don't use it anyway these days.

Rhod said...

I'm not family, Para, sorry to say. I was the batter-dipper at the Corn Dog Re-Vue, which is as close to your dad that I got.

Fed-Ex the idle gland to me overnight.

ParaPacem said...

Well... sniff sniff.... alright...I will accept that we are not related after all.
I shall get long term counseling and will somehow overcome the feelings of hurt and crushing rejection someday. I WON'T give in to those voices that I used to listen to... I can handle my emotions now, I am well... I am in control... not them. No. No more of those nightmares, no more stalking people, tracking those who hurt me, no! NO! I won't listen! I will NOT take up the knife and the axe again... I... stop! STOP!! Voices, begone!
rrrrghhhh...arrrhh...
ahhh... my knife ... where is my knife? AH! THERE you are.
my shiny friends, how I have missed you.

Opus #6 said...

I don't know how I missed this. I couldn't breathe for laughter at the "teased hair for Opie"! LOL!!!!!

You guyz are AWESOME!!!!!