The Greatest Round Ever Played!
Eat your heart out Tiger Woods! Stand aside David Duval and Annika Sörenstam! Wake up, Guinness Book of World Records!
Your money, your victories, even your 59's, do not come close to matching the inexplicably unsung exploit of a modest little man from the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK): the Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il.
AnyoneforTee believes it is time to set the record straight and give full credit to a man who played a par 72 course in just 34 strokes.
And before you say "Impossible, he can only have played nine holes", beware!
No lesser authority than Pyongyang Golf Club's resident professional, Park Young Man, together with Kim's 17 armed bodyguards, can attest that Kim played the full eighteen, all holed out, off the back tees on a crisp autumn morning in October 1994. "He is an excellent golfer," said Mr. Park.
Standing on the tee of the 340-meter (370-yard) dogleg par four first hole at Pyongyang GC, Park noted that "Dear Leader Comrade General Kim Jong-Il, whom I respect from the bottom of my heart, scored two on this hole." But there was even better to come, as Kim's amazing round included a world record five holes in one!
But, we hear you ask, how does a man with a country to run, a 1.2 million man army to command and 22 million people to keep on the verge of starvation, find the time to work at his golf game? Answer - he doesn't!
The Dear Leader, faithful to the national philosophy of 'Juche', or self-reliance, has never had a lesson. Indeed, his heroic 38 under par score was his first and only round of golf! When he learned that this was a full 25 strokes better than any other human had ever achieved, far from being tempted to take the game up seriously, he decided that there were greater challenges to his intellect and atheletic ability, and has not touched a club since.
So why have we not heard more about the greatest round of golf in the history of the game? AnyoneforTee understands that politics has once again reared its ugly head.
Western media are under pressure to isolate and vilify Kim's stalinist paradise, and are encouraged to play up its role in the 'Axis of Evil'. Governments, aware of the potential lobbying power of the world's 60 million golfers, many of whom are opinion leaders in the highest echelons of society, fear a tidal wave of adoration - similar to the recognition given to Tiger Woods - if news of Kim's golfing prowess is made public. So it has been suppressed and as a result gone largely unnoticed - until today!
In search of an 'official' comment, we went to US PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem. Seemingly embarrassed by our questions, Finchem finally, and grudgingly, broke the code of silence, putting a very different spin on the story. "Yes, it's an amazing achievement, but he's just too good. We don't want him over here. We're lucky he's got a day job as a ruthless tyrant and a fully paid up international terrorist. Otherwise this man could be really evil if he was let loose on the guys on tour - he'd nuke 'em for sure!"
Perhaps recognising the economic potential of his phenomenel talent, Kim has also been wary of releasing too much information that could help Western powers. There are no photographs, for example, of Kim's golf swing. We do not know if he played left- or right-handed, nor which type of grip he used. Some experts have even speculated that to make such a quantum leap in golfing skills, he must have discovered an entirely new 'secret' to the game, far beyond anything that the great Ben Hogan may have found. We may never know.
Yet, even without revealing his secret to the world, the little man with bad hair from North Korea has done the golfing world a great service. For as the debate about the impact of technology on the modern game rages, as journeyman pros wonder if they can ever hope to compete with Tiger Woods, and as experts predict that Tiger himself may lose interest in the game because of the lack of serious competition, we can see that there is no need to worry. Until today's so-called 'Masters of the Game' can shave substantially more than a shot a hole off their best ever scores, the ultimate challenge of the lowest round will remain out there. Knocking Kim Jong-Il off the top of the Dear Leaderboard will not be easy.