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September 13, 2011

England Is Spinning Out Of Control



First there were reports of badgers eating midgets, now there's drunken, incontinent psychos pooping on hedgehogs. When will this madness end?
A man who defecated on a dead hedgehog in the street in the middle of the day coolly gave the arresting officer his reason.

“When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go,” said Victor Ford.
On a hedgehog. Accept no substitutes. No wolverines, rabbits, field mice, armadillos or ground squirrels. It's a hedgehog or the launch sequence somes to a screeching halt.
The 34-year-old was squatting over the grass verge with his jeans around his knees when a police officer drove along Balmoral Avenue, Spalding, at 1.20pm on July 3.

Deborah Cartwright, prosecuting at court, said the officer stopped his patrol car and walked over to Ford, who was standing up and pulling up his jeans.

The officer looked at the ground where Ford had been squatting and saw “fresh human faeces on top of a dead hedgehog”.
There's nothing like spending a good part of your life training for emergencies, preparing yourself for the most heinious crimes, steeling your resolve to perform to your utmost ability no matter the circumstances ... and then scrapping a hedgehog off someone's arse. Right, please don't squeeze the Charmin.
District Judge John Stobart fined Ford £100 and ordered him to pay £85 costs and a £15 victim surcharge.

[...]Rather than activate Ford’s suspended sentence, Mr Stobart decided to “make it more onerous” by barring him from going to Scotland for three days. He explained to Ford that he had to do something to make the prison order worse because he did not want to activate the sentence.

The judge said: “It sounds stupid and it is stupid.”
Obviously Scotland is swarming with fecal deficient hedgehogs. Huh?

I have had to reconcile myself to the fact that nothing about this makes any sense.

10 comments:

banned said...

"was on income support and disability benefits..." yet manages to be shamelessly drunk at 1 in the afternoon. Spinning? Spun more like.

McGonagall said...

"District Judge John Stobart fined Ford £100 and ordered him to pay £85 costs and a £15 victim surcharge."

So who gets the 15 quid? The dead hedgehog?

sig94 said...

banned - no matter. He had to stay out of Scotland for three days. That'll teach him.

Doom said...

I don't even think a comment is necessary. Well, other than to say that one isn't necessary and reiterate. I hope we stop our fall before we become even more like them. We can't do much about cities. But perhaps the rest of the nation could be protected from the cities?

sig94 said...

McG - that is supposed to be a fund that "rebalances" the criminal justice system in favor of victims.

"It will be paid into a fund aimed at helping improve services for victims of crime, and will be fixed at a flat rate regardless of the size of the fine."

Whatever that means. Sounds more like locking the barn door after the horse has already run off. Buys you flowers to place around your coffin?

sig94 said...

Doom - I can see another civil war commencing based on the federal government's usurption of our rights. There are a lot of people that are truly pissed off at Wash., DC.

I am one of them.

Opus #6 said...

It truly Don't Make Sense.

Anonymous said...

The guy crapped in the street. That's acceptable in the USA? (Another reason not to live there .....)

Nickie Goomba said...

With a little research you'd learn that Hedgehog Splashing is a proud English custom. The celebratory act is usually preceded by 2 hours of Morris Dancing. Nowadays, it is common only to a few villages in Devon.

sig94 said...

Nickie - is that the famed St. Morris, patron saint of stool softeners?