October 25, 2011
Tuesday News Update
No matter where I turn, it all looks bad.
Under it's new and improved Sharia Law v AD 686.01.23 (yeah, right...), Libya will be lopping off heads and hands in no time flat. Time to invest in Islamic sword manufacturing. I tried looking them up via Google ... they're all made in China. Bwaaahahahahaha!
Syria will probably be the next country to be invaded by NATO. The new USAF song, "Off We Go Into A Wild Blue Clusterf**k." President Assad may take heed of Qaddafi's fate and become the next President-for-Life of Uganda. Life can be very good when you run the country like a news stand and you have a fast jet.
Obama's going balls-to-the-wall on his "Congress, Who Needs 'Em!" tour of the US. He will ram his new stimulus package disguised as a jobs bill down the throats of America like Rosie O'Donuts abusing Denny's all-you-can-eat bean burrito buffet. Obama leaks taxpayer money like a Louisiana dike hit by a six-year old with a sprinkler.
The entire European Union is a mess, a fiscal boil ready to pop. In order to remain solvent, Germany will have no choice but to invade Greece by way of France. In a severe cost control move, Italy's Prime Minister Berlusconi announced price controls on all hookers.
The 57 US States are now in the hole for a combined $4 trillion. Estimates on the extent that pension liabilities are responsible for this shortage range from $770 billion to $2.8 trillion. Speaking of unfunded public pension liabilities, the president of the SIEU has announced that it was a union negotiator attempting to gain access to Qaddafi's $200 billion who was responsible for the blunt object being forced up you-know-who's-you-know-what. Qaddafi wasn't swallowing any of it.
After swapping a kidnapped IDF soldier for 127,000 Hamas terrorists, Israel is now about to swap 25 Egyptian terrorists for one Israeli spy. In a related story, the Minnesota Vikings announced that defensive cornerback Chris Cook will be swapped for 9 future parolees from the state's maximum security facility.