In The News

It Ain't Over Until Until Juanita Says It's Over

Juanita Broaddrick does not subscribe to the ancient axiom, "Be Quiet, Lay Down, Play Dead." Bent Willy raped her and that's that. Now after all these years and the hush-hush treatment by the media, she finally has an advocate, the Trumpster. Undoubtably Donald Trump's campaign managers will put this to good use: if Hillary is elected, will the American people accept a White House First Rapist? Will up armored chastity belts become a thing in DC? Will the US Marshal Service have to implement an Intern Protection Program?

Hey, When Ya Gotta Go...

A reporter for Arizona TV station KPHO was arrested for taking a dump on the front lawn of a family he was reporting on. Seems that KPHO's  Jonathan Lowe had wrapped up a story regarding the religious sacrifice of a poodle in Patrick Thompson's BBQ smoker (I am not making this up! ~sig94) when he had the urge for a Snicker. Yes, in a KPHO exclusive he dropped a Lowe Custom Squatting Snicker in Thompson's front yard. A neighbor reported the Snicker sighting and police were notified. Was evidence collected? I don't want to know...

Sudden Surge in Carhartt Jacket Sales

NYPD officers shot a knife wielding maniac nine times and found that the suspect's Carhartt jacket stopped four of the NYPD 9mm bullets. NYPD cops are concerned but jubilant executives of Carhartt jackets immediately reported a massive sales spike in Detroit, Chicago, Cleveland, St. Louis, Damascus, Caracas and Tijuana.

Federal Judge Ruling Stuns Legal Profession

Federal District Judge Andrew Hanon issued controversial rulings that have left American juris prudence practitioners aghast.

• The Earth is round(ish).
• Santa Claus does, in fact, not exist.
• The Obama Administration lied about illegal immigration. Wrist slapping imposed.
• It may be illegal to defecate in someone's front yard in broad daylight.