In The News

United Airlines Awarded Major Contract

A contract has been awarded to United Airlines to remove Syrian President Assad from office.

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced Tuesday it had awarded a sole-source contract to United Airlines for work related to the forcible removal of President Bashar al-Assad from Syria.

The contract, worth $2.1 billion, tasks the airline company with locating Assad, grabbing him from his seat in the presidential palace, and “dragging him out of Damascus by his arms.” The contract also notes that Assad should be “asked several times, politely” to give up his seat of power, though if he refuses, United workers should bloody his nose up a bit, according to the posting at FedBizOpps.

[...]United will be sending one of its aircraft to Damascus sometime next week, where it will land and carry out the plan called for in the contract.

It’s not yet clear whether United employees will actually carry out the forcible removal of Assad. One source said it’s possible the company may subcontract that portion of the work requirement to the Chicago Police Department, Wells Fargo, or Comcast.

Talks are underway between the Department of Defense and United Airlines exploring the possibility to use United personnel to remove a certain troublesome North Korean passenger.


Hill Without Bill: The Parallax View

A proposed novel is in the works that will tell the world how Hillary may have prospered if she had not married Bill Clinton. This photograph shows the ex-FLOTUS in her prime.

NEW YORK (AP) — A best-selling novelist is imagining how Hillary Clinton’s life might have turned out had she never married Bill Clinton.

Random House announced Monday that Curtis Sittenfeld will tell the story from the point of view of Hillary Rodham. In real life, the former first lady did turn down Bill Clinton’s marriage proposals at first before agreeing to marry. In the novel, not yet titled, she turns down Clinton once and for all, then goes on with her life.

The most widely held prognostications state that by 1981 she would be splayed across the hood of a Buick Riviera being ravished by Rosie O'Donnell.


Next Fashion Craze: Corpses

There isn't much left to expose that does not involve internal organs.

First came the thigh gap. That was quickly followed by the so-called 'bikini bridge' and the six pack. But the latest social media vanity is the most disturbing yet. Suddenly, being merely super slender and toned is no longer good enough. Today's attention-seeking young thing must also have a proudly protruding rib-cage.

Next stop: pancreas shaming.

In The News

Fat, Homicidal And A Bad Haircut Is No Way To Go Through Life, Son
But at least he's not crazy.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said Thursday that while North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may be a ruthless, murderous dictator, he is not mentally insane.

"All indications are that he is not crazy," Tillerson told Fox News. "He may be ruthless. He may be a murderer. He may be someone who in many respects we would say by our standards is irrational. But he is not insane."

From T-Rex' lips to God's ear.


"She Had An Itsy-Bitsy, Teeny-Weeny Home Grown Brain Like A Zucchini"
The Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz provided the funding for this research.

Tiny human brains have been grown in a dish, an accomplishment which could lead to breakthrough treatments for conditions like Alzheimer’s and schizophrenia.

The brain cells have formed similar circuits to those of a 2-month-old fetus and give scientists an opportunity to examine how the brain and any diseases develop.

Researchers at Stanford University first grew two forebrain circuits, before going on to the next step of growing a mini-organ over nine months.

I would not be just a nuffin'
My head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain
Over the Senate I'd be presidin'
Like the VP Joey Biden
And he didn't have a brain!


Fog, Low Visibility And Vodka
There, fixed it for ya.

A Russian warship has sunk after colliding with a freighter in the Black Sea off the Turkish coast.

The 78 crew members on board the Russian navy's intelligence vessel - Liman - were evacuated.

Turkish officials said 15 Russian sailors were rescued after boats and helicopters were dispatched to the area, near the Istanbul coastline.

The crew on the freighter, which was carrying livestock, were also all accounted for and safe.

Shipping agent GAC said the Russian ship and the Togo-flagged vessel - Youzarsif H - collided in fog and low visibility.

Here Vasily, hold my glass and watch this!

In The News

Today I Also Found Out That Stinky Cheese Stinks
Twenty-five years ago I looked up the word "gay" in the dictionary and his picture was there.

Barry Manilow has spoken about his sexuality for the first time and come out as gay, confirming he is married to manager Garry Kief, his partner of nearly 40 years.

The famously private pop icon confirmed his relationship to People, explaining that he feared fans would be disappointed if they knew he was gay.

♫At the Copa, Copacabana, I got a place to hide your banana.♪

Opioids In Action
With all the talk abut the cost of lethal chemical cocktails needed to put convicted murderers closer to God and the protesters protestulating about the awfulness of these chemicals, how's about using about five bucks worth of pharmaceutical horse to send our nasties to Jesus? 

Part of the problem in addressing the opioid crisis is that the terminology can be confusing or misleading. People hear “opioid” or “prescription opioid” or “fentanyl” and begin to lump the problems all together as a crisis driven by legitimately prescribed drugs. No doubt, that is a part of the problem, but it is nowhere near the biggest part of it. Take a look at the best statistics available (taken from the Office of National Drug Control Policy and the CDC):

• In 2015, there were 33,091 opioid overdose deaths.
• Heroin deaths constituted 12,990 of those deaths.
• Synthetic opioids (mostly illegal fentanyl) constitute another 9,580 deaths.

No one seems to be unduly excited about the 13,000 souls doing that every year, hmmm?

Poo Flinging Girl Now A Registered Democrat
A Chicago democratic ward chairman has just registered her to vote.

Bahraich: The police in Uttar Pradesh rescued a girl from a forest in Katarniaghat of Bahraich who can neither speak nor behave like human being. The girl was rescued from troops of monkeys in the forest.

According to sub-inspector Suresh Yadav, the girl was spotted in the Motipur range of Katarniaghat wildlife sanctuary. During the rescue, the monkeys and the girl screeched at Yadav. However, after a few attempts, the police shifted the girl to a district hospital.

The monkeys are next on the ward chairman's to do list as they appear to have more on the ball than the average Chicago democrat.

In The News

 Priorities? Yep. We Got 'Em!
There are Muslim infested areas of London where the police dare not go, drunken yobs puking and fighting in the streets, their Navy dare not leave port, Rooskie bombers zipping through their defense zones, thousands more military-age muzzie males lining up for yet another invasion and the Daily Mail decides to go with this:

Don't You Usually End A Statement With A Period?
A question is not a statement so a period would not be useful there. But it is entirely a different scenario when you use a period to get a few days off.

Italy could soon become the first Western country to offer paid “menstrual leave” to female workers.

The proposed law is currently being debated in the country’s parliament. If passed, it would mandate that companies enforce a “menstrual leave” policy and offer three paid days off each month to working women who experience painful periods.

So You Want Rock Hard Glutes, Eh?
There's a doctor who cemented her promise with a guarantee for glutes you can drive a nail into.

Fake Florida doctor who ‘enhanced’ buttocks with cement, caulking gets 10 years for manslaughter

From a Florida prison in November 2011, Shatarka Nuby penned a letter to the state’s health department about her cosmetically enhanced buttocks.

Her rear end had hardened and turned black, she wrote. Side effects from the years-old injections left the mother of three feeling sick. And she claimed her surgeon — Oneal Ron Morris — was the same faux cosmetic doctor that police had arrested and accused of pumping a near-lethal formula of cement, mineral oil, bathroom caulking and Fix-a-Flat tire sealant into other women’s bodies.

Oklahoma Justice

Broken Arrow, broken promises, broken burglars. For all your broken needs...

Three would-be robbers were shot and killed Monday when an Oklahoma homeowner’s son opened fire on them with an AR-15, authorities said.

Wagoner County sheriff’s deputies were called to the home in Broken Arrow, southeast of Tulsa, around 12:30 p.m. local time. When they arrived, they found the three dead suspects and two uninjured residents.

Sheriff’s spokesman Deputy Nick Mahoney said the suspects entered the home through a glass back door with the intent to burglarize it. It was not immediately clear why they picked that home.

Mahoney said the suspects encountered the homeowner’s 19-year-old son, who opened fire after an exchange of words. Two of the suspects died in the home’s kitchen while a third was found in the driveway.

In The News

Inauguration Day Protestors Indicted

Raising hell is lots of fun ... as long as you don't get caught.

Protesters at President Trump’s inauguration became violent, setting fires, vandalizing property, and antagonizing—even injuring—law enforcement officers. The indictments of 146 additional rioters were handed down this week.

The total of those indicted on felony rioting charges is now 209. A total of 230 persons were arrested in conjunction with the rioting, and twelve of those cases have been dismissed.

Is It The Water That Makes Them Stupid Or Bribes That Make Then Corrupt?
There's a special kind of stupid infecting 9th District judges, or is it Soros dollars. Perhaps it is time to investigate these judges and see what causes them to rule as they do.

Since 9/11, 72 individuals from the seven mostly Muslim countries covered by President Trump's "extreme vetting" executive order have been convicted of terrorism, a finding that clashes sharply with claims from an appeals court that there is "no evidence" those countries have produced a terrorist.

According to a report out Saturday, at least 17 claimed to be refugees from those nations, three came in as "students," and 25 eventually became U.S. citizens.

Like Draft Dodgers Or Like Hockey Fanatics? Illegals Flock To Canada
Other countries are condemning the US for imposing a temporary hiatus on admitting refugees, so let them take them in. Prime Minister Trudeau, I bet you have a spare bedroom, no?

It was a record number of arrivals for a single weekend in the small border town of Emerson, and Canadian officials said Thursday they are bracing for more.

US President Donald Trump's controversial ban on refugees and nationals from seven Muslim-majority nations has prompted many who had hoped for a new life in the US to flee north.

While the ban is currently on hold due to two successive defeats in federal court, Trump has warned he is weighing a new immigration order.

In The News

They Have No Souls

They've looked and looked and looked but, alas, no souls. Just shells filled with greed, ambition and unfulfilled lust. Think of it like an ice cream cone dipped into a cesspool. Yum.

Soul-Searching at Clinton Foundation in Trump Era

Last summer, former President Bill Clinton pledged that if Hillary Clinton won the presidential election, he would avoid conflicts by stepping aside from many of his duties at the Clinton Foundation, restricting foreign donations to the charity and spinning off certain programs.

Now, nearly three months after Mrs. Clinton’s defeat, the foundation is still grappling with its place in the era of President Trump.

Let Them Eat Cake
Marie Antoinette's advice aside, thank God Europe hasn't run out of Muslims. If things really get desperate, Europe can always rely on Soylent Achmed.

European consumers have been plunged into crisis by a vegetable shortage caused by severe weather.

Shops across Europe – and particularly in the UK – have seen the shelves stripped of green produce like lettuce, broccoli and spinach.

Courgettes (zucchinis, if you’re American), aubergines (eggplant) and peppers have also been badly affected.

The problems stem from a blast of cold weather which has overtaken large parts of southern Europe.

A blast of military age Muslims hasn't worked out so well either.


Trump Chokes Iran's Chicken
Chinese proverbs have a way of cutting to the gist of the matter. Or making people say "WTH?" and running to the upstairs bedrooms to see what their sons are doing.

Critics of President Trump’s temporary travel ban on seven Muslim nations should remember the Chinese proverb, “Kill the chicken and let the monkey watch.”

The much-criticized measure was a warning to the governments of the Gulf States, Turkey and Pakistan, who walk a fine line between support for Western counter-terrorism efforts and concessions to jihadists. It has had precisely the result that the White House intended, as a Dubai security official indicated on January 29. As Reuters’ Zawya.com reported:

Dubai’s deputy chief of police and public security, Lieutenant General Dhahi Khalfan Tamim, has praised US President Donald Trump’s recent decision to temporarily ban citizens from seven Muslim-majority states, saying in a series of tweets it was a ‘preventive measure’ to safeguard the country.

Lt. Gen Tamim is specifically referring to Iran's client states.

Kudos to President Trump for his brave decisions… they (these people) can only be dealt with through preventive measures,” he said in an Arabic-language tweet dated January 29 on his official Twitter account.

“Trump banned the citizens of countries in the embrace of Iran and prevented the Iranians from entering… sound decision,” he added in another tweet…. “It is not necessary for America to host backward people, it has received enough before,” he said in one tweet. “What would a Yemini, Iraqi, Iranian, Somali or a Syrian do in America? They have destroyed their countries, they should not destroy America.”

Trump realizes the need to keep mad Mohammedans where they can do the least damage; in their own shitholes countries which they have already trashed. Churchill's description of the Hun can be applied to Muslims with a minor change; "The Mohammedans are either at your feet or at your throat or at each others' throats." 
 

After Choking Iran's Chicken, Trump Intends To Cook It
Trump apparently is not joking. He really hates Iran's chicken.

Trump tweet accusing the country of 'playing with fire' with missile test

• President Trump raised the stakes with Iran Friday morning by tweeting that the country is 'playing with fire'
• Treasury then sanctioned 13 individuals and 12 businesses Friday that have ties to Tehran
• On Thursday Trump was asked about military action against Iran as he held White House meeting and said: 'Nothing is off the table.'
• National Security Advisor Gen. Michael Flynn told reporters Wednesday that the U.S. is 'officially putting Iran on notice' after it tested a ballistic missile
• Iran is the subject of a United Nations Security Council resolution prohibiting tests of ballistic missiles
• Now Islamic republic is also reported to have test-launched a cruise missile capable of carrying a nuclear warhead

We'll see what happens in the next few months. Iran may have to get itself a new chicken.

In The News

No One In Their Right Minds
Seriously. After what Baltimore and Maryland politicians did to the cops last year, who in their right minds would join the BPD?

BALTIMORE (WJZ) — Baltimore City’s Police Union is sounding the alarm because they say the department is in crisis due to the fact that it has too few officers.

According to a new report, there are more than 100 fewer Baltimore City PD officers than last year, with the union saying this poses a safety concern as officers are being overworked.

The police union president calls the situation “dire.”

I retired in 1998 with about 25 other cops resulting in a force reduction of 4.6% (25 retirees out of an authorized strength of 503). The City hired a bunch of new guys the next year, no big deal.

The Baltimore Police are down 118 cops out of an authorized staffing of 2,538 resulting in a force reduction of 4.7% and they hit panic mode.

The problem is that the cops have stopped aggressive policing because they know that they will be hung out to dry for anything that goes wrong. That and the "boutique" policing that has infected the entire country. Community policing has degenerated to the point where every squawk results in a special unit drawn from patrol. Directed Patrol Teams, Crime Reduction Teams, Problem Oriented Policing squads, Municipal-Based Anti-Crime Teams ... you name it, I've seen them all over the past 40 years.

The Start of  Pod Racing?
Pod racing, drone racing, it's all good. Once the drones get big enough, watch out.

In the past if you wanted a racing drone, you had to build it yourself. That meant learning how to solder and program. If your drone broke, as they are prone to do, you had to learn how to make repairs. Draco aims to change all that. It costs $499, and the company says that right out of the box, the Draco drone can hit 100 miles an hour on a straightaway. And it’s made from entirely modular parts, so if you crash, you can easily buy replacements for your broken bits.

That obnoxious pod racer kid in the 1999 Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (which I think stank) has not learned to cool his jets. Jake Lloyd was arrested in Charleston, SC, after crashing his car in a 100 mph chase. Lloyd was arrested for driving without a license, reckless driving, failure to stop, and resisting arrest.

All Your Ambassadors Are Belong To Trump
A new broom sweeps clean and there is one hell of a lot of sweeping that needs to be done.

President-elect Donald Trump ordered every Obama-appointed diplomat home in the days which will immediately following his inauguration, according to a Thursday report from The New York Times.

The Department of State sent a cable to all diplomats nationwide advising them of the break from tradition Dec. 23. Past administrations allowed diplomats an extension until a replacement could be found and moved to each post, according to the report.

Trump made it clear he doesn’t want any political appointee of the outgoing president to serve during his administration, a decision Trump staffers insist is not “ill will.” The new administration just wants to make sure that appointments made as a result of political donations end “on schedule.”

After eight years of Obama's diplomatic prowess and the Clinton/Kerry curse, we're lucky to have any physically intact embassies.

In The News

You Had One Job... OK, Maybe Two

The Dept. of Energy (DoE) was created during President Carter's Administration in 1977 with two goals - to eliminate our nation's dependence on foreign oil and to oversee and safeguard our nuclear weapons research. The 13,300 DoE incompetent civil service weasels with a $30 billion budget have done neither.

The global warming con may finally be facing a true reckoning. For many years, the warmists have behaved as if they are hiding something, as the Climategate emails, among many other signs, revealed. But so long as the greedy and power-hungry pols, lusting after taxation and regulation of all human activity via carbon taxes, could be reinforced by cowards afraid to buck the so-called scientific consensus (that doesn’t really exist) everything could remain hunky-dory.

While meeting with Al Gore calmed some warmist nerves, the actions of the Trump transition team at the Department of Energy are eliciting hysteria.

They couldn't handle their appointed tasks so they adopted ones that were far easier. Intimidating American citizens with Soviet-style mission creep implemented under the watchful eye of liberal administrations seemed the fun thing to do.



Liberals Are Hazardous To Your Health
This is true in more ways than one. And, oh yes, this did happen.

Suddenly it's clear not everyone benefited from the era of Hope and Change. The Washington Post reports that "for the first time in more than two decades, life expectancy for Americans declined last year". Princeton economist Anne Case said “this is singular. This doesn’t happen."

Perhaps the editors at the WashPo are stating to worry that they may not get to enjoy their 401k's.



Water, Water Everywhere And Every Drop We Regulate

The Environmental Protection Agency is the Corleone's dream. Their idea of "protection" is about the same as a mafia capo. But instead of RICO prosecutions, Trump has decided to take them down another way, a faster way. Dismantle them without indictments from the inside.

Personnel is policy, as they say, and despite his meeting with the High Priest of Climatology, Al Gore, president-elect Donald Trump’s pick of Oklahoma attorney general Scott Pruitt to be the new head at EPA, shows Trump is serious about pulling back the curtain to expose climate fraud, leaving climate zealots as unsettled as the alleged “science” they trumpet.

"Pruitt’s concerns of EPA overreach also includes the agency’s controversial, “Waters of the U.S.” rule that significantly expanded the federal government’s regulatory reach to include ditches on private land. During the presidential campaign, Trump promised to address the regulation that he called one of the “most intrusive rules” and Pruitt could execute the new president’s goal to neuter its impact."

Neuter: transitive verb, #1- castrate, alter; #2- to remove the force or effectiveness of.
Either way, let's do this thing. Time's awastin'.



It's Fun Work But Someone Has To Do It
To rephrase the article just above this one, "Water, Water Everywhere And It's Going Up Your Nose."

Following the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, psychologist and U.S. Air Force veteran Dr. James Mitchell was called back to national service. Along with a partner, Bruce Jessen, he was tasked with developing the CIA’s enhanced interrogation techniques, or EITs. Designed to elicit time-sensitive intelligence from hardened al Qaeda leaders, the EITs later became immersed in controversy. In 2014, Senate Democrats released a report accusing Mitchell of torturing suspects with EITs and producing no results.

There is another phrase that applies here,"If it ain't broke, don't fix it".

EIT works rather well on recalcitrant individuals with respect to generating compliance in response to legitimate requests for information. That being said, waterboard the assholes until they talk or let them grow gills.

In The News

Hillary Gains In Election Recount Micron By Agonizing Micron
It's like having a powerful adhesive band-aid being slowly pulled off a wound. Except this wound won't heal.

The first day of Wisconsin’s presidential recount narrowed the gap between former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and President-elect Donald Trump by precisely one vote.

The dems know this won't get them anywhere, they just want to stall the Electoral College vote so it ends up in Congress.


Kicking And Screaming And Dragging Their Heels
Here's one of the reasons I am ashamed at times to be a New Yorker.

Dem senator comes out against waiver for Mattis to be Defense head

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-N.Y.) came out against Donald Trump’s selection of retired Marine Gen. James Mattis for secretary of Defense, saying she would not support a necessary congressional waiver to allow him to take on the role.

Gillibrand is the first lawmaker to oppose waiving the prohibition on former military officers heading the Pentagon less than seven years after retiring.

She used to be a Republican but loved the Kool-aid more than her conscience. We need a Mad Dog in the DoD. We don't need her.


Idiot Wars: The Spewster Strikes Back
Spewing partisanship, ignorance, juvenile behavior and liberal bile, an IL democrat protests the outcome of a lawful, constitutional election.

Rep. Luis Gutierrez, D-Ill., said Friday he won't be attending the inauguration of President-elect Trump in January, because of his plan to boost enforcement of U.S. immigration laws.

"I'm not going to this inauguration, I can't go to this inauguration, because he continues to spew hatred, bigotry and prejudice even after he said he was going to bring us all together," Gutierrez said on CNN.

"But he's not," he added. "He continues to spew this kind of ... hatred. So I'm not going to be there."

Gutierrez will march in protest during Trump's inauguration. Afterwards, he vowed that he will hold his breath until Pennsylvania and Michigan turn blue.


Worried About The Wall?  Better Worry About Mexico's Banks
Agustin Carstens is El Jefe Peso - head of Mexico's central bank - and he is leaving his position in July. He has a Ph.D. in Economics from the University of Chicago (which may explain why Mexico is in such a mess). This comes on the realization that the Mexican economy is incredibly dependent on dollars sent home from America by immigrants, legal and otherwise.

Remittances sent home by Mexicans working outside the country surpassed petroleum revenues in 2015 for the first time. There was a 4.75% increase in money sent from abroad, most of which comes from the U.S., to total US $24.8 billion last year, up from $23.6 billion in 2014, said the Bank of México.

The bank said it was the first time remittances had totaled more than petroleum revenues since it began tracking them in 1995. Oil revenues last year totaled $23.4 billion. (read more)

However, that guesstimate only measures wire transfers (individual to individual – Western Union money services). That measure doesn’t include bank to bank transfers, nor does it account for direct transfers of capital via cash, personal check, money order or banker cheque. In essence, the estimation is severely understated.

An honest evaluation of all possible currency transfer streams puts the outflow well over $100 billion, well over.

And that does not take into consideration the billions in income tax fraud perpetrated by Mexicans living in the US. If Trump does what he says he will do, Mexico will have to find someone else to prop them up.

In The News

Her Old One Stunk:
I am wondering, who got close enough to sniff that out? Medals and commendations are in order. And perhaps a lung transplant.

Donna Brazile fired back at her former employer, saying CNN ripped her “a new one” instead of letting her defend herself against leaked emails showing she gave Hillary Clinton a sneak peek at debate questions.

“I wish CNN had given me some other things, like the ability to defend myself rather than ripping me a new one,” Brazile said at a Monday event at Hollins University, according to the Roanoke Times.

“CNN never gave me a question,” Brazile said of her resignation.

Well Donna,  try to keep this one clean while it's still bright and shiny.

We Don't Care, We Don't Vote, We're Just Here To Get Your Goat:
They did catch someone's goat. Said goat wearing badges and guns.

Portland, Ore.—More than half of the anti-Trump protesters arrested in Portland didn’t vote in Oregon, according to state election records. At least sixty-nine demonstrators either didn’t turn in a ballot or weren’t registered to vote in the state. KGW compiled a list of the 112 people arrested by the Portland Police Bureau during recent protests.

The Great Unwashed melds with The Great Unregistered and is escorted off the field by The Great We Don't Give A Rat's Ass About Snowflakes.



Now It's Pepsi - For Those Who Think Wrong:
Remember the remake of an old Pepsi commercial on TV?

PepsiCo’s CEO said the election of Donald Trump as president was terrifying her employees.

“I had to answer a lot of questions from my daughters, from our employees. They were all in mourning,” PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi told Andrew Ross Sorkin at The New York Times’ DealBook conference on Thursday.

The Pepsico stock dropped 2% since Indri attacked the president-elect.

What is truly terrifying is that the jobs of tens of thousands of people depend upon this mindless twit.

Obama's Excellent Adventure
It's just like he took a victory lap through Detroit.

Mr Obama's visit to Athens, Greece, was supposed to be a grand farewell, but descended into chaos when angry rioters took to the street to demand he leave.

Youths riding motorbikes, carrying wooden clubs and launching petrol bombs tried to break a police cordon and confront Mr Obama directly.

I hope Mr. Obama enjoyed his Bill Ayers inspired welcome. Nothing like the smell of petroleum and the spectacle of flaming Molotov Cocktails lofting through the air to appreciate a well armored tank.

In The *spit* News

FBI Director James *spit* Comey On The Way Out

Comey will be awarded the J. Edgar Hoover "Tutu of Shame" after the elections.

After persistent prodding by senior adviser Valerie Jarrett to remove James Comey from his job as director of the FBI, President Obama has agreed the time has come to fire America's top cop.

According to a White House source familiar with Obama's decision, Jarrett and the president held lengthy discussions over the past several days about the political and legal ramifications of firing the FBI director.

State *spit* Department Needs Five Years To Examine Emails

There's 31,000 or so pages of deleted emails that the State Department wants to examine just in case Clinton missed shit canning a few. By the time the State Department is finished we'll all be sending messages via telepathy.

State Department officials asked a federal court Monday to consider allowing them up to five years for their review of 31,000 pages of emails recovered by the FBI during its year-long investigation of Hillary Clinton.

But The *spit* FBI Blew Through 650,000 Emails In Just Eight Days

The FBI made exceptionally short work of crunching all those emails; yet the FBI's investigation of the  Clinton Foundation will be over just in time to indict Hillary's grandchildren right before they apply for their social security pension benefits.

Donald Trump and his aides are expressing skepticism at how quickly the FBI was able to review hundreds of thousands of emails in the latest probe in the Hillary Clinton email investigation.

The FBI revealed Sunday that it had found nothing new in the emails from top Clinton aide Huma Abedin that were found on the laptop belonging to her estranged husband, Anthony Weiner. In a letter to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, Comey said he was not changing his recommendation from July that no charges should be brought against Clinton.

In The News

New Species of Bug Placed on Sex Offender Registry
Of course it's in California. And it will soon be voting.

A new species of millipede found lurking in the unexplored dark marble caves of Sequoia National Park in California has left scientists baffled.

The unique creature has 414 legs, four 'penises', bizarre-looking mouthparts and secretes a poisonous chemical as a defense mechanism.

Named Illacme tobini, it was discovered during an expedition in 2006 and later revealed to be the evolutionary cousin of the leggiest animal on the planet, Illacme plenipes.

Virtual Prison For Virtual Offenders?
Seriously. Now we'll have to make another distinction between literally, virtually and figuratively...

Belamire who goes by a pseudonym to protect her privacy, was playing a game called QuiVr on her brother-in-law's HTC Vive VR system. She was shooting zombies with strangers in QuiVr's multiplayer mode when another player began to virtually rub her chest.

[...]"He chased me around, making grabbing and pinching motions near my chest. Emboldened, he even shoved his hand toward my virtual crotch and began rubbing," she wrote in a Medium post about the incident last week.

El Presidente: Mexico Will Not Be Screwed!
Instead, Mexico will be glued and nailed according to the Mexican Association of Unindicted Presidents.

Presidents of Mexico do not wake up thinking how to "screw" the country, current office holder Enrique Pena Nieto said on Tuesday, seeking to defend his record in government and encourage positive thinking.

Pena Nieto's reputation has been dented by abuses by security forces, conflict-of-interest scandals and political corruption. It took a fresh hit this summer when he hosted U.S. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump in Mexico City on Aug. 31 for a hastily arranged visit that surprised many members of his cabinet.

In The News

FBI - Federal Bureau of Immunity

Breaking news: FBI founder J. Edgar Hoover was buried in his prom dress and the current Director, James Comey, is going to be buried in cash from the Clinton Foundation. In the future, all persons seeking immunity in exchange for testimony (or not) from the FBI must first refinance their homes in order to pay the "Immunity Surcharge". Make out your check to the FBI Director's Relief Fund.

Veteran FBI agents say FBI Director James Comey has permanently damaged the bureau’s reputation for uncompromising investigations with his “cowardly” whitewash of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s mishandling of classified information using an unauthorized private e-mail server.

Feeling the heat from congressional critics, Comey last week argued that the case was investigated by career FBI agents, “So if I blew it, they blew it, too.”

But agents say Comey tied investigators’ hands by agreeing to unheard-of ground rules and other demands by the lawyers for Clinton and her aides that limited their investigation.

Creepy "Abbie Normal" Brains Grown In British Labs

Little pea sized brains are now available for politicians.

Researchers are now growing hundreds of tiny human brains in labs, in an attempt to understand what gives us unique disorders like autism and schizophrenia - and the method they use to create these brains is surprisingly simple.

Chinese Military Tests New Weapon 
Tanks, missiles, fighter jets and aircraft carriers are very expensive. Bugs are cheap.

More than 100 Chinese tourists, including numerous children, were injured after being attacked by a swarm of bees in a country park during the National Day holiday.

Most of the people who were stung suffered only minor injuries as they visited Huangling National Forest Park in Yanan, northwestern Shaanxi province, on Tuesday afternoon, the Xian Evening News reported.

In The News

Russians Playing Chicken Kiev

Spy plane? Was it wearing a false mustache and dark sunglasses? It is an airborne, electronic intelligence gathering platform. Nothing secret about them other than the equipment they carry; the US has been using them forever. And the Russians do the same thing.

A Russian fighter jet intercepted a US spy plane flying over the Black Sea, according to US Defense officials cited by the Reuters news agency.

The officials said that there were multiple interactions between two aircraft and called the intercept by the Russian jet "unsafe and unprofessional." © FLICKR/ LANCE CHEUNG US Aircraft Reportedly Intercepted by Russian Jet Was in International Airspace - EUCOM The official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the incident lasted about 19 minutes and the Russian Sukhoi Su-27 fighter came within 10 feet of the US Navy P-8 surveillance plane.

Bumper Cars - Moscow Style
Maybe this guy thought that Putin's ride was a land based, electronic intelligence gathering platform and just buzzed him too close?

VLADIMIR Putin’s personal driver was assassinated by “foreign secret service agents”, it has been sensationally claimed.

The unidentified man died when his BMW was smashed into by a Mercedes on a busy motorway in Moscow.

Now unsubstantiated claims posted on a pro-Putin website claim it was carried out by Western spies.

The presidential BMW was travelling on Kutuzovsky Avenue in the Russian capital when a Mercedes veered from the other side of the road, smashing into it head-on.

Nancy Pelosi Makes Me Sick
Blah blah blah, crap piss blah blah evil lying bitch blah blech gag blah blah lying twatwaffle blah blah bullshit yada yada nothing but lies blah blah insane lying worshipper of Satan blah blah cover Hillary's fat lying ass blah blah blah eat shit and die.

WASHINGTON — Nancy Pelosi, the House minority leader, sent a letter on Tuesday to Speaker Paul D. Ryan urging him to bar Republicans from using hacked documents in the campaign, arguing that “defending our democracy is more important than any advantage or disadvantage in this election.”

Ms. Pelosi, calling the hack into Democratic servers, apparently by Russians, “an unprecedented assault on the sanctity of our democratic process,” said Mr. Ryan should not condone either party using materials originating from the cybercrime.

“Democrats and Republicans must present a united front in the face of Russia’s attempts to tamper with the will of the American people,” Ms. Pelosi wrote.

The will of the American people is that the earth would suddenly open up beneath your feet and a legion of winged, laughing demons drag you to eternal flames and perdition.


Hell No! We Ain't Done With The Rooskies!
A brazen, buxom daughter of the Steppes was on a low level mission in the Plaza Hotel when she buzzed former NYS Gov. Eliot Spitzer's crotch and collided with his turgid Mark III ovipositor. Alas, after two months the law suit that was conceived from this loveless union was aborted. The respondent, Ms. Svetlana Travis, returned to the bosom of Mother Russia last February.

[...]Eliot Spitzer has pulled out of a fraud and extortion case against an alleged Russian hooker who accused him of choking her at the Plaza Hotel — less than two months after filing the suit.

“Eliot Spitzer, by and through his attorneys, hereby discontinues the above-entitled action without prejudice and without costs to either party as against the other,” the withdrawal notice says. The legal term “without prejudice” means Spitzer could refile the case in the future.

Papers filed in Manhattan Supreme Court Wednesday say the notice of discontinuance was emailed to the woman, Svetlana Zakharova Travis.

In The News

Chicago Boasts of  August Death Total: Only 90 Dead

The democrats have been in control of the City of Chicago since before Lincoln hit puberty. Chicago has had more homicides this year than NYC and LA combined.

[...]Chicago police said there were 90 homicides in August, and a total of 472 people shot in 384 separate attacks. The city has not had that many murders in one month since August 1996.

As he has several times before, Police Supt. Eddie Johnson said a relatively small group of repeat gun criminals are responsible for the the vast majority of gun violence in Chicago.

As I have said several times before, a relatively small group of career politicians are responsible for turning Chicago into a crime infested shithole.


Pamela Anderson Donates Her Breasts to Anti-Porn Initiative
Pamela Anderson today announced that she was allowing Mona and Lisa (the names of her breasts) to be given permanent residence at the Society for the Prevention of Internet Ta Ta Display here in Los Angles.

[...]Anderson labels porn as something for “losers.”

“Simply put, we must educate ourselves and our children to understand that porn is for losers— a boring, wasteful and dead-end outlet for people too lazy to reap the ample rewards of healthy sexuality,” the duo wrote.

The duo mentioned previously, Mona and Lisa, will be starring in a soon to be released movie  titled, "Porn Is For Losers, So Lick Me Losers," produced by by Big Chested Bimbos, Inc.


Weiner Told To "Put That Thing Down Or So Help Me."
Wand waving Weiner was warned by wanton woman in a way that wasn't wimpy. Despite this advice, Weiner persisted in presenting on social media his cotton-clad ovipositor in juxtaposition with the year old results of a successful fusion of gametes.

The mystery brunette at the center of Anthony Weiner's latest sexting scandal told him to 'be careful' on social media - just two days after they first exchanged messages. 

The disgraced ex-politician started sending lewd pictures to the woman - including one in his underwear lying next to his son - despite her explicit warning. 

The raunchy exchanges, published by the New York Post earlier this week, have now prompted his wife Huma Abedin to leave him and child services to investigate.

Weiner's wife, Huma Abedin, has put the broom to Weiner's Fruit-of-the-Loom. In response, Weiner stated, "I just wanted to run it up the flag pole and see who saluted it."

Speaking of saluting the flag...


Colin Kaepernick Says He Was Just 'Tired'
The NFL is very, very not happy with the antics of 49er's quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

Bleacher Report's Mike Freeman had conversations with seven unnamed front office executives around the NFL. Look at what was being said:

"I don't want him anywhere near my team," one front office executive said. "He's a traitor."

"He has no respect for our country," one team executive said. "F--k that guy."

"In my career, I have never seen a guy so hated by front office guys as Kaepernick," one general manager said.

If that wasn't enough, the personal dislike for Kaepernick will permeate into team-building decisions:

There could be some executives who have no issue with Kaepernick, but I doubt there are many. Each executive said he believes Kaepernick will likely get released by the 49ers—and never play in the NFL again.

When asked how she felt about Colin Kaepernick, media queen Paris Hilton said, "Gee, I'd love to f--k that guy.

In The News

Orlando Killer Worked For Company Transporting Illegal Immigrants

In a surprising discovery, the Palm Beach Post first reported that according to state records, Orlando shooter Omar Mateen - who as we reported earlier was licensed as a security guard and also holds a firearms license - was employed by the US subsidiary of G4S plc, a British multinational security services company, whose US-headquarters are located in Jupiter, Fla, and which also happens to be the world's largest security company by revenue.

How Did Orlando Killer Pass DHS Background Checks?

The security company that employed Orlando nightclub shooter Omar Mateen also is a federal contractor for the Homeland Security and State departments -- raising more questions about how he passed background checks despite being on the FBI’s radar screen and the level of security at a firm handling sensitive U.S. operations.

In 2011 Clinton's State Department Shut Down Investigation of Orlando Killer's Mosque

The Fort Pierce Islamic Center, where Mateen worshipped several times a week, was under investigation by both the FBI and DHS as early as 2011 for ties to a worldwide Islamic movement known as Tablighi Jamaal which was linked to several terrorist organizations.

But the investigation was shut down under pressure from the Clinton-ran State Dept. and DHS’s Civil Rights and Civil Liberties Office out of fear of offending Muslims, according to recently retired DHS agent Philip Haney.

In The News

 

Someone Needs To STFU

America's half-black, articulate, bright, clean and nice-looking President (channeling my inner Biden, sorry!) needs to seriously shut his pie hole even there is pie in it. Hmmmmm, pie.

In historic visit to Hiroshima, Obama calls on the world to morally evolve

I won't bother listing any of the other drivel that leaked out of his loose-lipped sphincter.

Pampers or Depends ... don't care, someone needs to make a bib for this clown.

Hey Sphincter Lips, How About Starting Your Moral Evolution Here?

After 85 years of  Democratic leadership (the last Republican Mayor of Chicago was William H. Thompson, 1927-31, and he was no prize either),black Chicago denizens have reached an evolutionary plateau; a long time ago their moral DNA hit a brick wall and said "Screw it, we're done, let's kill everybody."

As of Friday morning, homicides in Chicago were up 52 percent in 2016, compared with the same period a year ago, and shootings had increased by 50 percent, though the pace of violence has slowed in recent weeks, the police said. Only five months into the year, at least 233 people have been killed.

Officials are struggling with the problem and are employing a range of strategies as the murder rate in Chicago, the nation’s third-largest city, outpaces that of New York and Los Angeles.

To give my readers an idea of how bad it is in Chicago, only 20% of this years homicides have been cleared by arrest (source). Historically, murder once had a very high clearance rate (80-85%) simply because the victim and the suspect generally knew each other and it was a crime of passion. No more.

Caracas, The Detroit Of South America

Bernie "It's All Free" Sanders needs to emigrate to Venezuela and rent a dark, festering rathole in Caracas.

Dark, because there is no electricity, and festering, because that's what people do under socialism in every country where it has taken root.

CARACAS, Venezuela — The courts? Closed most days. The bureau to start a business? Same thing. The public defender’s office? That’s been converted into a food bank for government employees.

Step by step, Venezuela has been shutting down.

This country has long been accustomed to painful shortages, even of basic foods. But Venezuela keeps drifting further into uncharted territory.

In recent weeks, the government has taken what may be one of the most desperate measures ever by a country to save electricity: A shutdown of many of its offices for all but two half-days each week.

But that is only the start of the country’s woes. Electricity and water are being rationed, and huge areas of the country have spent months with little of either.

In The News

It Ain't Over Until Until Juanita Says It's Over

Juanita Broaddrick does not subscribe to the ancient axiom, "Be Quiet, Lay Down, Play Dead." Bent Willy raped her and that's that. Now after all these years and the hush-hush treatment by the media, she finally has an advocate, the Trumpster. Undoubtably Donald Trump's campaign managers will put this to good use: if Hillary is elected, will the American people accept a White House First Rapist? Will up armored chastity belts become a thing in DC? Will the US Marshal Service have to implement an Intern Protection Program?

Hey, When Ya Gotta Go...

A reporter for Arizona TV station KPHO was arrested for taking a dump on the front lawn of a family he was reporting on. Seems that KPHO's  Jonathan Lowe had wrapped up a story regarding the religious sacrifice of a poodle in Patrick Thompson's BBQ smoker (I am not making this up! ~sig94) when he had the urge for a Snicker. Yes, in a KPHO exclusive he dropped a Lowe Custom Squatting Snicker in Thompson's front yard. A neighbor reported the Snicker sighting and police were notified. Was evidence collected? I don't want to know...

Sudden Surge in Carhartt Jacket Sales

NYPD officers shot a knife wielding maniac nine times and found that the suspect's Carhartt jacket stopped four of the NYPD 9mm bullets. NYPD cops are concerned but jubilant executives of Carhartt jackets immediately reported a massive sales spike in Detroit, Chicago, Cleveland, St. Louis, Damascus, Caracas and Tijuana.

Federal Judge Ruling Stuns Legal Profession

Federal District Judge Andrew Hanon issued controversial rulings that have left American juris prudence practitioners aghast.

• The Earth is round(ish).
• Santa Claus does, in fact, not exist.
• The Obama Administration lied about illegal immigration. Wrist slapping imposed.
• It may be illegal to defecate in someone's front yard in broad daylight.

In The News

Hacker States That Entering Hillary Was "Easy"

Gotta admit, the first reaction I had upon hearing this was violent retching. The man had to be drunk or lost a bet or something. Especially the breaching part. Then I was like ,"Oh.... I forgot, that's right,  yeah."

The infamous Romanian hacker known as “Guccifer,” speaking exclusively with Fox News, claimed he easily – and repeatedly – breached former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s personal email server in early 2013.

"For me, it was easy ... easy for me, for everybody," Marcel Lehel Lazar, who goes by the moniker "Guccifer," told Fox News from a Virginia jail where he is being held.

Guccifer’s potential role in the Clinton email investigation was first reported by Fox News last month. The hacker subsequently claimed he was able to access the server – and provided extensive details about how he did it and what he found – over the course of a half-hour jailhouse interview and a series of recorded phone calls with Fox News. Fox News could not independently confirm Lazar’s claims.

Did I Mention That I Was Violently Retching?
Just when the spasms and convulsions were starting to subside, I read this:

Transgender reality TV star and former Olympian athlete Bruce “Caitlyn” Jenner will pose nude with his 1976 gold medal for Sports Illustrated magazine.

A source told Us Weekly the 66-year-old I Am Cait star will appear on the cover of an upcoming SI issue wearing “nothing but an American flag and her Olympic medal” to celebrate the 40th anniversary of his historic decathlon victory.

Jenner, then a masculine track and field athlete, won the gold medal in the men’s decathlon at the 1976 Summer Olympics in Montreal.

That's twice today I had to change my shirt.


This Explains A Lot
You probably wonder about our leaders and what influences them when they make decisions that affect America. Then this hits the news:

Obama: ‘I Might Have Ingested Some Lead Paint When I Was 2 or 3 Years Old’

(CNSNews.com) - Speaking in Flint, Mich., today after meeting with federal responders dealing with the water crisis there, President Barack Obama said that he “might have ingested some lead paint” when he was very young.

“When I was five or six or seven, a lot of homes still had lead paint in it,” Obama said. “I might have ingested some lead paint when I was two or three years old, because at the time, people didn’t know it.

He had to be pounding those paint chips down like a Cheetos freak hoovering the floor in a Frito-Lay factory.

In The News

They Took A Village

Harkening to Hillary Clinton's child-rearing advice advocated in her book, "It Takes A Village," The Iranian government took the husbands of an entire village and killed them. Every. Single. One. Now all the families formerly supported by these now dead husbands/fathers are totally dependent on the Iranian government, who conveniently ignores them.

Every man in Iranian village 'executed on drugs charges'

Every man in an Iranian village has reportedly been executed by the government on drug charges.

Shahindokht Molaverdi, the vice president for women and family affairs, was arguing for increased provision for convicts’ families when she made the admission.

“We have a village in Sistan and Baluchestan (province) where every single man has been executed,” she told the Mehr news agency.

“Today their children are potential drug traffickers; either because they will seek revenge for the deaths of their fathers or because they will need to financially provide for their families, as a result of lack of support by the government.”

In a related development, Iran announced a significant increase in the importation of hemp rope.

#LittleBrownBobbleHeadsMatter

In the time-honored tradition of dumbing down Western Civilization by reporting on the hormonal fluctuations of whiny ass bitches that should be completely ignored the

Daily Mail reports MSNBC host Melissa Harris-Perry has walked off her eponymous show, citing frustrations with the network's treatment and a loss of control over the program's content.

Harris-Perry, whose show airs on both Saturdays and Sundays from 10am to noon, is refusing to host this weekend after being sidelined for two weeks.

In a letter to her colleagues published on Medium, she wrote that she was deemed 'worthless' by the network, and fought back by saying: 'I will not be used as a tool for their purposes. I am not a token, mammy, or little brown bobble head.'

The International Association of Token Mammies and the Society of Little Brown Bobble Heads for Justice did not return any calls.

The Fat Man Sings

Today in a surprise move, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie gave Donald Trump his political endorsement/support for the 2016 Presidential election as well as twelve cases of Little Debbie Fudge Rounds, 400 bottles of Yoohoo chocolate drink, four boxes of Mallomars, one slightly used laparoscopic gastric band (autographed) and his entire collection of Chiclets boxes.

Endorsements usually don’t matter much, but Chris Christie giving his nod to Donald Trump shocked the political world and will bolster a Trump campaign that has grown from a madcap insurgency to a serious threat for the Republican nomination.

Most immediately, the New Jersey governor’s endorsement instantly changed the subject from Trump’s debate performance Thursday night, when Marco Rubio got the best of him.

Christie accentuates the Trump brand of bully-boy toughness. He further validates The Donald and paves the way for future endorsements.

With Christie's support wrapped up, The Donald now has enough sugar-laden snack foods to give all of Chad, Sudan, Ethiopia, and Somalia Type II diabetes.

Developing: In preparation for the Illinois primary, a wee little spokesman for the Keebler Elves squeaked that their Chips Ahoy! division is prepared to "bury Chicago up to their assholes in cookies."

UPDATE: no really, seriously ... more on the Christie Kreme endorsement here. Seems like Boy Rubio got  Christie's knickers all wadded up with a condescending voice mail.