To Boldly Go Where No One Has Taxed Before

In a dramatic statement, scientists has announced that they have discovered new Earth-sized planets only 950 light years away.

Two planets orbiting a star 950 light-years from Earth are the smallest, most Earth-size alien worlds known, astronomers announced Tues., Dec. 20. One of the planets is actually smaller than Earth, scientists say.

These planets, while roughly the size of our planet Earth, are circling very close to their star, giving them fiery temperatures that are most likely too hot to support life, researchers said. The discovery, however, brings scientists one step closer to finding a true twin of Earth that may be habitable.

In a prepared statement, Senator Nancy Pelosi (D-Bankrupt) stated that once a truly Earth-type planet is found, Congress will, "tax those Trekkie sonsabitches so bad, they'll think a cosmic black hole is actually our Social Security plan."