August 30, 2013

Intimations Of War



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...
This has been around for years, not sure who actually wrote it (not Cleese), but it's still funny and perhaps even more relevant today...


Sunnybrook Farm said...

I have never seen that one. Very funny but strangely true.

Gorges Smythe said...

Few things are more amusing than small doses of the truth.

jay son said...

love it.

oh, by the way, i've a french rifle for sale. never been fired and only dropped twice.

sig94 said...

Sunny - Glad you enjoyed it.

sig94 said...

Gorges - Ain't that the truth. And it will probably be funny again in another five or six years when the next bunch of clowns pulls something stupid.

sig94 said...

jay son - dropped twice. The first was a practice drop, right?

Kid said...

Good One Sig. I'll tell you what - things haven't changed since Adam and Eve.

You got your evil, and you got your fighters of evil, and you got your lurkers.

All anyone needs to know. Pick a side of the triangle.

sig94 said...

Kid - Mankind is in the same, shape - yeppers.