In The News

Genie Sez - You Ain't Gettin' None

A Dubai man has been granted a divorce from a wife who, he alleges, refuses to engage in sexual activity with him. The difference keeping them apart, he argued, is impossible to settle, because her parents told him his wife was possessed by a genie who controlled her every move.

Obviously this isn't the genie.

When He Started Doing Jumping Jacks

ARLINGTON, Va. - A naked man, who was doing push-ups in the middle of an Arlington street, was arrested after police say he became aggressive and refused to listen to commands from officers.

Cops say they found 31-year-old Timothy Lowe just before 8 p.m. in the 3200 block of S. 24th Street. Officers say Lowe was naked, doing push-ups in the street, while under the influence of narcotics.

Police say they used a taser on him after he aggressively approached officers.

Mr. Lowe is a practitioner of the New Tae Kwon Whoa! exercise discipline.

It Was The Rug, The Rug Made Her Do It

Thanks to the Internet and a website that at the time, was scarcely known outside of Washington DC but a website we all know today: the Drudge Report, within 24 hours I became a public figure, not just in the United States but around the entire globe. As far as major news stories were concerned, this was the very first time that the traditional media was usurped by the Internet.

[...]Overnight, I went from being a completely private figure to a publicly humiliated one. I was Patient Zero.

No, you went from a completely private, "Do You Like My Thong Mr. President?", screwed up, attention-seeking intern to the most widely recognized provider of oral sex in the universe. To this day I refuse to let my wife and daughters wear a blue dress.

Seriously, while kneeling on the carpet in the most famous office in the world preparing to service the leader of the most powerful nation on the planet, did it ever occur to you somewhere in the dim, moist, hormone riddled recesses of your mind that this was indeed a very, very Bad Thing™? That throughout the civilized world you would not be able to walk into any public place without the accompaniment of smirking and giggling?

And what's love got to do with it? I am married (32+ years) to a wonderful woman who loves me to death. Yet, in my heart of hearts I know that if we were ever alone together in the Oval Office, she would never, ever do to me what you did to Billy Jeff.

To blame Matt Drudge for this shows that after all these years you still haven't learned a thing about the Bad Thing™ and under what circumstances it is a bad thing.  And that is a Bad Thing™ also.

Django Unzipped

Actress Daniele Watts, who played the slave CoCo in Django Unchained, and her boyfriend have formally been charged with lewd conduct, one month after claiming Los Angeles Police used racial profiling in their arrest.

Watts maintains that she and boyfriend Brian James Lucas were only kissing in her car, parked outside the CBS Studio Center, when police approached them on September 4.

However, witnesses allegedly told police that the two were having sex in public and the LAPD stepped in to investigate the claims.

And what's love got to do with it? I am married (32+ years) to a wonderful woman who loves me to death. Yet, in my heart of hearts I know that if we were ever alone together in the back seat of a car in Los Angeles in view of the public during daylight hours, she would never, ever do to me what Daniele Watts did to her boyfriend.

Don't complain, I'm on a roll here.