Dear Idiot Conservatives:
It was long past time that we got a post-American, post-everything President like Barack Obama. This is our time, this is our White House, and it's our country after two other attempts to own it. First, we tried Gore, and then dipped lower with Kerry, but now we have Kerry's smarter replacement, Barack.
Barack and I know who you guys are. You're the bloats trying to squeeze through the turnstiles at Disney World, or in Paris at the Pompidou Center, in tennis shoes as big as Teddy Bears. You can't speak French; why you can't even speak English! You're an American version of one of those tanned, lardy beach-rat Germans in an electric-blue thong, and your women are no classier than one of those horse-faced French harridans in purple mascara. The Europeans are superior to you provincial rubes in every way.
Barack cuddled up to those gassy Euro-trash clowns at the Brandenberg because someone had to treat the wounds caused by Chimpy McBushitlerhaliburton. At Copenhagen, recently, Barack showed them what he was made of. They loved him. Those international worthies would have licked his shoes just to look up his pants leg. They gave him a Nobel Prize, didn't they?
We care about people; you don't. In my travels I've rubbed elbows with all the repellent hoards in this wonderful wide world - mewling New York Jewish widows, aromatic homicidal Russians, Italians in white shoes, diabolical Asians draped in cameras, obsequious sub-continentals, stupid Poles, damaged lachrymose Czechs, a veritable corral-bred swarm of people so inferior to me and Barack that a high-voltage cordon with trip flares and concertina wire isn't definite enough to keep them out of Greenwich, and I loved them all.
We have intellectuals, you have muddlers. We have Al Gore and Kerry, and Reid and lots of others, who all look like animatronic dummies from some dim Restoration Comedy, but you bonehead conservatives don't even know what a Restoration Comedy is, and that's worse! Our guys could slip like Crisco into satin breaches and you idiots are comfortable in Jeans!
Barack is invulnerable to your charges of elitism because he's black, and therefore incapable of the lure of upper-classness. So am I, you lowborn, beetle-browed dope! Marx was right about a lot of things, especially the class struggle, but he was wrong about its properties. It isn't about materialism and the means of production, it's about status and prestige. Elections in this free society aren't about governance, they're about putting people like us in power and people like you in your place. That's why I voted for Barack Obama, and will next time around.
A Damn Proud and Humble Liberal