Striking Range

Sheriff Fwank conducting a cavity search for weapons

The Republicans have a new gunslinger roaming the streets of Massachusetts' Fourth Congressional District. His name is Sean Bielat and Sheriff Bawdy Fwank, who is rumored to have used his gun on many a poor unfortunate, is getting nervous.

Bielat is 35 years old, a Marine who spent four years on active duty and is now a major in the Reserve. He's a graduate of Georgetown University with a master's from Harvard and an MBA from Wharton. He's devoted a good portion of his professional life to manufacturing the high-tech robots that defuse improvised explosive devices in Iraq and Afghanistan. In other words, he's a serious man.

In the spring and summer of 2009, Bielat watched in dismay as Barack Obama and Democrats in Congress pursued one big-government initiative after another. He began to think about running but didn't make a final decision until Jan. 19, when a certain Republican won election to the Senate from Massachusetts -- and did it by winning in Frank's district. "When Scott Brown won the 4th Congressional District, it became clear that not only could a Republican win here," says Bielat, "but there was a case to be made nationally to donors and supporters that this is winnable."

Sheriff Fwank stands an excellent chance of defeating this upstart in November. Fwank is heavily armed at all times with democratic largess and handily defeats any upstart with 65 to 75 per cent of the vote, if he can find a challenger that is. His draw is as deadly as his lisp.

But a recent poll shows Bielat within striking range of Fwank, trailing by only nine or ten points. This is much safer than having Fwank within striking range of you. Particularly if you are bent over tying your shoes.

In the crucial area of independent voters, the poll shows Bielat ahead of Fwank, 51% to 34%.

Initially I wasn't going to go here, but just consider Fwank's peccadilloes:

1. Here's a guy who lacks the powers of observation and common sense to know when his live-in boy toy is using his apartment as a queer whore house; and
2. Fights tooth and nail to resist any oversight over the mortgage practices of government owned and operated fiduciary organizations, ie, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, that subsequently fail, costing the tax payers billions; and
3. Latches onto another butt buddy who is indirectly supervised by Fwank since he is Chairman of the House Banking Committee. I am referring of course to the juicy morsel being frisked at the top of this post; Herb Moses, who was Fannie Mae's Assistant Director for Product Initiatives during the time of his intimate relationship with Fwank.

Fwank is a man who is sadly influenced by his carnal appetites. Whether or not you are comfortable with the practice of homosexuality, anyone who allows themselves to succumb to these desires in the performance of their official duties is in desperate need to have to have those duties removed. Period.

And what does this say for the people who reside in the 4th Congressional District? Nothing good, unfortunately. But perhaps with a real choice at the ballot box they'll rise to the occasion.