Secret Service Agents Injured At LA Fund Raiser

Several Secret Service agents were treated for minor injuries after slipping and falling in a massive outpouring of vaginal juices during a fundraiser for President Obama held in the back yard of actress Gwyneth Paltrow's Los Angeles residence.

One eye witness stated that Ms. Paltrow introduced the President with lavish praise, fairly gushing over Obama's achievements and expressing her desire to give him absolute authority over the affairs of all Americans.

As she concluded her introduction, witnesses noticed a semi-viscous, creamy liquid streaming down from between her legs, spilling onto the granite pavers and spreading towards the canape tables.

Then, as she handed the microphone over to the President, saying, “You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly,” the stream became a downpour, flooding the backyard, shorting out the public address system and panicking the attendees.

Secret Service agents rushed into the encroaching pool to protect the President as its kerosene-like odor caused them to fear it could be highly flammable. The combination of slippery juice and freshly mown grass was too much for the agents' leather-soled Ferragamo footwear.

At least three agents slipped headlong into the deck stairs and one was overpowered by fumes as he tried to apply an ICD (Improvised Corking Device) to Ms. Paltrow. 

As he was being loaded into one of several responding emergency vehicles, the agent moaned that he couldn't believe he was injured in a "liberal pussy tsunami."

Ms. Paltrow was treated for dehydration at the scene with bottles of Evian, vaginal desiccants and restraining orders.
Story here.

H/T Weasel Zippers.