October 4, 2010

New Terrorist Cannon

GNN EXCLUSIVE - From the GNN Tel Aviv Bureau, a report that several hours ago Israeli Defense Force checkpoint personnel were approached by a Palestinian insurgent, later identified as Ey bin Phartine, who tearfully asked for assistance in removing a new form of terrorist artillery from his body - developed in Gaza as the Arafat Butt Gat. Israel authorities have labeled this device the AssCan.

IDF explosive ordinance specialists were summoned to the checkpoint and the would-be terrorist was transported to a heavily fortified location where the above x-ray was taken of the projectile. Subsequent debriefings revealed that the ignition system is gas operated and was designed to launch the missile from a praying position - toes, knees, hands and forehead touching the launch or prayer pad.

Further examination showed tattooed windage markings on the suspect's heels and a peep sight attached to his scrotum.

UPDATE: Tragedy struck only moments ago when the terrorist complained of sharp stomach pains after eating lunch. He was lead to a concrete evacuation chamber where sounds of flatulence preceded a powerful explosion. IDF officials suspect that felafels were involved in this premature detonation.

Stay tuned to GNN for all your information needs!


Subvet said...

Doesn't the Geneva Convention prohibit any type of gas warfare?

Anonymous said...

There was a day when I dreamed of winning a Nobel Prize. It was 1977. I saw myself attending elegant cocktail parties with Joe Wambaugh and Jacqueline Susann.

Now it's 2010, and my trophy shelf is empty except for that Princess Cruise 2nd place Tango trophy. Instead of pounding out yet another classic on my Smith-Corona, I'm riding herd on three of the squirreliest poets on the internets.

DC, if left unsupervised, would post only on the subject of Texas football. He reminisces over past Longhorn victories the same way Woodsterman attempts to virtually recreate historic farts.

There was an 18 month period when Rhod would post nothing that wasn't set in Acrostic form. DC then began reporting current events in haiku. That initiated a flame war between them that simmers to this day.

Before joining the GNN Team, Sig94 warned me of his "booty thing". I never imagined, however, that his obsession would find its way into every conceivable news story. I have a responsibility to edit and censor, and it has only been my swiftness with the 'delete' button that prevented the publication of his retrospective "Best Butts in the Big 10".

Guys, I believe in using every tool in our creative arsenals to battle the forces of evil in modern society but, from this day forward, butts are below the belt.

I hope I won't have to repeat myself.

sig94 said...

I've never completely gotten over the squashing of that story. It was glorious, I was at the top of my game. I almost crawled back into the bottle after that. But for the intervention of the San Salvadoran monks and nuns who found me, especially Sister Margarita and Brother Baha, I'd still be formenting collard greens in Salinas.

Nickie, that story woulda given me my chops. It woulda established me in news rooms and locker rooms (in a good way, not like now) all over the country. I coulda been a contender. It had "Pulitzer" written all over it. Or then again, maybe it was "Wurlitzer." I was dating a one armed blonde piano tuner at the time.

LL said...

You could load Michelle Obama with a full magazine. I'm not saying that she'd go along with it, simply that she has the capacity.

Starsplash said...

The gas bag is the next terrorist invention.....Triggerd by an increase in pressure in the thorax releasing an insidious and deadly toxin. The main fears are the advanced and more deadly silent types that can be released in your local grocery, or transport station, killing all who come into whiffing range...

Anonymous said...

This weaponry was banned for use by U.S. military forces with the passing of the 1998 Smeltit-Deltit Act.

LL said...

Starsplash - the First Lady is known for her love of pickled eggs, beans on toast and beer. Might that be a threat to the security of the nation? Should she be banned from attending a session of Congress?

Wetzy said...

All butts are below the belt.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing the link, but unfortunately it seems to be down... Does anybody have a mirror or another source? Please answer to my post if you do!

I would appreciate if a staff member here at could post it.


Doom said...

I have heard of anal retentive. That is a serious new level. I would offer a prize but I think they already get one in the end.

Again I must flee as my pun factory is in overload. I become ridiculous for days to all around me after reading some of these things, and I live alone!

sig94 said...

Nickie - do we even have staff now? I thought DC's cousin was doing some office-related stuff but his probation officer violated him in August and we haven't seen him since. And don't even mention the college interns. It's too bad that communications majors are such a twitchy lot.

The link to the image can be found in Nickie's Photobucket album:

Word of caution. Never, EVER, google "things you can cram up your butt" - my mind is reeling. I'll never be the same.

Anonymous said...

You'll be the same.