August 16, 2013

Sandra Fluke: 1001 Uses For Birth Control

Sandra Fluke has written a new contraceptive cookbook, "The Womb Broom Cookbook: 1001 Dietary Uses For Birth Control". The book promises to be a hit as Ms. Fluke carefully examines alternative uses for free birth control devices that she hopes will be provided by the taxpayers of America. Since it's free, let's make the best of it!

So here is a teaser, a salacious selection of delightful and insightful (and downright yummy!) contraceptive culinary concepts bought to you (hopefully!) by Congress!

Estrogen Egg Creme
Directions: Cover the bottom of a fountain glass with an inch of chocolate syrup, add an inch of whole milk and then slowly pour in soda water until it is an inch below the lip of the glass. Stir well with a long spoon. Now crush an entire month's worth of combined oral contraceptive pills (COCP) - the 21 pill pack is best - and sprinke them liberally over the top of the egg cream. Delicious! For those of you who favor a "sweet womb" use the 28 day pill pack as seven days are sugar placebos!

What's in the "creamer" you may ask. That's Sandy's Secret Egg Creme Sauce! Buy the book (or date her boyfriend) to find out!

Captain Condom
Directions: Place the contents of a 21 pill COCP pack into a plastic Baggie™ or a used condom and cover the pills with one quarter cup of butterscotch syrup. Seal and marinate for 24 hours in your refrigerator. Pour one cup of your favorite cereal into a bowl and add 2% milk to taste. Empty the Baggie™ into the bowl or just throw the entire condom in. Enjoy!

Reproductive Justice Julep
The key to a good reproductive justice julep? The answer is two-fold: lots and lots (and lots!) of good bourbon and fresh contraceptive implants. Make this classic accompaniment to a rousing porno flick any time you find yourself in possession of supremely fresh implants and a desire to kick back and slowly, ever-so-slowly, sip a cocktail (hee hee). I recommend good company (maybe one or two or three?) and a soft sofa as the best companions to this mild-sounding but placenta-pounding drink. After three or four of these the front lawn or the hood of your Prius will do.

Take about 20 fresh Norplant™ or Implanon™ contraceptive implants and put them in two fingers (or three!) of bourbon. Let them sit for a half hour, the alcohol will dissolve the implant hormones and put them into a heavenly bourbon suspension. You can leave the implant carriers in as they look like miniature cinnamon sticks! Then simply add a crushed 28 pill COCP package - you'll want that extra sugar! - and plenty of crushed ice. Stir until an icy frost develops on the outside of the glass (this will be more obvious and apparent on a metal cup than on glass, but after a few more fingers of bourbon, who cares?). Serve immediately.

Be sure to check your neighborhood Barnes & Nobles for this amazing book! You'll find it in the Socialism aisle between the Baby Killing and Euthanasia sections.


Doom said...

If only she had a time machine and could save her mother from the horrors she would bear. Of course, if they get their way, will there even be a time limit on post-natal abortions? Whack-a-Doodle indeed!

Subvet said...

"...check your neighborhood Barnes & Nobles..."

Ya know, I've never been arrested for pissing on a book in public. Maybe it isn't too late.