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August 6, 2014

Santa's Summer Job



On an August day hot and sweaty
I was nagged by my wife Betty
To mow the grass as it was getting rather long
As I am getting on in years
And of heat stroke I’m afeard
I decided to hire someone who was young and strong

Never did I expect
That the man I’d soon select
To mow the lawn would be a source of so much grief
But when he showed up the next day
With his lawn mower on his sleigh
He was clad in nothing more than a pair of briefs

“Dear Sir!” I proclaimed
“The way you’re dressed! Aren’t you ashamed?
You resemble a bandaid hugging a great big side of beef!
If you persist in cutting my grass
Your thong will slip and show your ass!”
But all he did was look at me in disbelief.

“Young man,” he said with sorrow
“If I may, I’d like to borrow
A more appropriate garb with which to do my work.”
I agreed to this simple task
And upon my return I asked
Why he was dressed like some kind of nudist jerk.

He said, “It all began in two thousand ten
With Obamacare and then
An EPA visit forced me to close my reindeer farms.
The IRS reduced me to tears
Saying I was heavily in tax arrears
And then OSHA grabbed me for having no fire alarms.”

“The elves all went on strike
Mrs. Claus ran off with some dyke
Dasher and Dancer were shot to death on Opening Day
Donner and Blitzen I had to eat
Prancer and Vixen – I jerked their meat
Comet and Cupid just up and ran away.”

“Rudolph’s the only one who's left
And for this I'm truly blessed
Because I need someone to help pull that heavy sled.
I’m severely overweight
And my girlfriend’s three weeks late
To tell the truth I think I’d be better off dead.”

I was silenced, I was humbled!
“Please forgive me Santa,” I mumbled
And I let him finish my lawn with no further delay
He was fast and he was good
And in fifteen minutes he stood
Loading his mower on the flat bed of his sleigh.

Once he lashed it to the deck
He wanted cash (wouldn’t take a check)
And he grabbed the reins and gave Rudolph a whistle
Then I heard him loudly exclaim
“Obama’s an asshole! He’s to blame!”
And he took off just like a guided missile.

Thanks to FoTM for the pic.

2 comments:

Ian H said...

Self portrait?

sig94 said...

Ian - not ... quite. But thanks for asking?