August 14, 2009

CNN Reports: Philadelphia Eagles change name to "Beagles", and in Unrelated Development Sign Michael Vick

(Cutter Network News) -- In a stunning development today, the Philadelphia Eagles changed their name to the Philadelphia Beagles. The name change was announced via a press release delivered to only three news outlets at 10 AM EST: the CNN, Philadelphia Daily News, and Zoo Too.

The Beagles' statement read, "We believe that changing the name to the Beagles reflects our values of being sensitive to the plight of animals, particularly dogs. Many of our players own dogs, and we determine that they all like dogs before we draft or sign them. We work our players like dogs, but that means we love them. We will do anything pretty much anything for dogs now."

This announcement came as a rumors mounted that NFL's Philadelphia franchise was being required to make heavy concessions to animal rights' activists as a condition for signing convicted dog-abuser and closet Republican, Michael Vick.

Four hours later at 2 PM EST, the Beagles informed all local and national media that QB Michael Vick had indeed been signed, ending intense speculation as to where the convicted dog-fighter would land. "I'm very happy to be out of the dog house and with the Beagles," Vick said.

An unnamed Beagles spokesman in the GM's office confirmed that, as a condition of Vick's signing, in lieu of interminable lecturing by sanctimonious animal rights' activists, Vick would be required to write 100 times on the Eagles' chalkboard before every game:

"I swear that I understand how insufferable pro-abortion liberals are steaming mad at me and would hold me -- an NFL jock -- to a higher moral standard than the U.S. Congress, I swear I do ... What a steaming 'Fortress'!!"


Opus #6 said...

How sweet that an NFL team has found it in the goodness of their heart to forgive Vick and welcome him with open arms. Our nation's felons salute them.

Maybe a team can be found to take in OJ Simpson after he gets out of prison as well. He may be too old to play the game, but I bet he could fill another capacity for a team. Coaching or PR. They could even rename their franchise to make him feel at home. The Blades comes to mind.

blackandgoldfan said...

Nickie: This was great! Especially since my team wasn't the target. lol

I feel Vick should've been Pete Rosed.
When I heard that Philly had signed him, I was like "How appropriate. A hood in the hood." Some of my friends last night had said that "He paid his debt to society." House arrest in a house like the one he was confined to? Some punishment!

No wonder the youth of today are so screwed up. Instead of looking up to guys like Warner or Polamalu, they look up to goons like Vick and Burress.

Rhod said...

The best siege engine for an F of B is a prune tower mounted with a motility gun.

God forgive me.

Paladin said...

My aquaintances in the Animal Rescue world are going to be absolutely apoplectic over this. I probably wouldn't have hired him, but I don't hold it against Philly if they want to. It's their business. Their fans throw crap at opposing teams, so I doubt it will hurt their public image much.

He didn't skate. He went to prison. Not house arrest - PRISON. Someone can argue that the sentence wasn't harsh enough - but that's a different topic all together. If we don't like that, we need to change the sentencing guidelines.

Fact is, he served his time as determined by the court.

I've a friend that freaked out over the mere possibility that thugboy could get a job in the NFL. I asked if it bothered him so much would he boycott and quit watching football?


I guess his indignation only went as far as wanting to control what other people do, as long as it didn't inconvenience himself.

Anonymous said...

Holy smokes, Black and Gold! Is that a "Stealers" tat on your arm? And a conservative, too. Don't worry. I hear that the Stealers are close to signing William Jefferson of LA once he gets out of the penn. He was some kind of receiver back in the day, I understand.

Plus, he does well in the cold.

Anonymous said...

My sentiments are with Paladin. Oustanding comment.

There is so much wrong with the culture seen in how we react to the misdeeds of Michael Vick. We're "outraged", but we'll still watch. The NFL will feign political correctness and all, but Vick can still play. And we will care for the canines amongst us, but not the most innocent and defenseless people. And we'll sit and be lectured by these buffoons in the language of eternal verities and accept their premises we know in our hearts are wrong.

Go Beagles!!

And Rhod, you need to go to the confessional section of the blog ...

EfigĂȘnia Coutinho said...

beautiful my regards,
with admiration,
EfigĂȘnia Coutinho

Cbullitt said...

I think the artwork here sums it up:

Anonymous said...

First in the name of disclosure, I don't care,watch, or know anything about sports. Frankly think it is a distraction and waste of time.

With that said, is Philly out of their minds,and talk about ironic. But leave it to liberals to feel their way instead of thinking their way through a a problem

Red said...

Can we protest by throwing cans of ALPO onto the field or handfuls of kibble? Or perhaps we can get Michael Vick a lifetime membership in the ASPCA and some mandatory time spent on "Animal Cops".

CI-Roller Dude said...

The best comment so far...throw cans of dog food on the field when he's playing.
Isn't there any kind of standard for being a decent person in pro sports anymore?

When I was a kid, we looked up to the pros as role the kids can look up at them and think of $$$$$ as the only thing that matters.
No sense in playing fair etc.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Efigenia, I understand ... it was a beautiful post, indeed.

You know, I hate to break it to y'all but before we get all misty-eyed about looking up to sports heroes, Ty Cobb was a horrible guy. But I guess he didn't harm dogs with his sharpened spikes. And Charlie Hustle bet on sports, allegedly, and undermined the integrity of the game. And most baseball players hated Jackie Robinson. Some players have fathered more kids than there are in R.I. But hey ... if they were congressmen, it would be okay.

It would be about their private lives then. I mean, what in the world does breaking one's solemn oath to family or country have to do with job performance in a public official?

But a jock, an NFL player who runs around with a football (too much, but man can he run) and occasionally passes it ... his "private" life is important to his ability to evade blitzes. What a Fortress!!

I get it. Alls I have to say is:

Go Beagles!!!

USA_Admiral said...

Oh yeah, he got the talent that Philly could use.

Anonymous said...

I was so hoping the the Browns and their "Dawg Pound" would sign him.

Anonymous said...

As a Raiders fan, I'm happy he didn't come west. My team doesn't like troublemakers.

Anonymous said...


We cheer on the dogs on the field. Dogs are not allowed in the stands (thus, no Dog Pound). We fight for the dogs, but we do not allow the dogs to fight for us.

It's very simple. Please don't confuse a simple point.

And remember ...

Go Beagles!!!

Wolfman George said...

Pete Rose was banned from baseball FOR EFFING LIFE, for making a few bets - on games he didn't play in!

What Vick did to "pets" was unspeakable! But, hey, 2 years in the can and he is back in the catbird seat!

Why do I get the feeling that if Vick were... how can I put this tactfully... uh, somewhat less "tanned" the NFL and the Sports Media establishment wouldn't be so "forgivinging".

Frances Davis said...

As the owner of the cutest and sweetest beagle on earth, I think I could become interested in professional football with a team mascot like that!

Anonymous said...


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