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August 13, 2009

Surgeon General Seeks a Healthier America

(GNN) - President Obama's nominee for surgeon general, whose job it is to help encourage Americans to get thinner and healthier, has been working part time as a scientific adviser to the fast-food giant that sells sandwiches like the Whopper and BK Triple Stacker.

Dr. Regina Benjamin, hailed by Mr. Obama for her efforts in running the Zoftig Sisters Health Clinic in hurricane-ravaged rural Alabama, has been paid $10,000 since last year for serving on a scientific advisory board for Burger King, according to newly filed public financial disclosures.

The Goomba News Network has now compiled a comprehensive list of healthy Burger King innovations initiated by Dr. Benjamin:

1. Dr. Benjamin is an acknowledged advocate for offering healthy and delicious food choices. She stopped Burger King's selling of the Dutch Apple Pie (a hot and gooey apple filling in a flaky baked crust) at 360 calories, and replaced it with a slightly higher calorie but significantly more nutritious Lo-Cal Cheesecake Slice.

2. On her first day of decision-making, she immediately removed CHEESY TOTS® (Hot, golden brown fried cheese balls filled with melted cheese) from the menu and replaced the popular item with SUPER CHEESY CHEESY TOTS® with an added nutritious melted cheddar cheese topping.

3. She modified the ANGRY TENDERCRISP® (tender, premium breaded white meat chicken filet topped with sizzling bacon, Pepper Jack cheese, deliciously spicy jalapenos, angry onions and the signature angry sauce) by adding a sprinkling of healthy feta cheese, and served the sandwich with small packets of high-fiber blue cheese sauce.

4. Dr. Benjamin fought hard against the continued sale of the Oreo® BK® Chocolate Shake Sundae. Benjamin argued that the concoction was almost entirely without protein, but Burger King officials refused to add any cheese products into their popular dessert item. It was finally resolved that 2 small packets of blue cheese sauce would be offered with each sundae.

30 comments:

Opus #6 said...

2 packets of blue cheese sauce! What if I want marinara?!

Wetzy said...

I have a craving for SUPER CHEESY CHEESY TOTS®

Left Coast Rebel said...

I vote for Super Cheesy Tots too, Nickie, what an awesome post.....

Anonymous said...

Are you serious? This post smells like a Fortress (that's the new code ... I decree it) to me.

The Right Guy said...

Doctor heal thyself.

Anonymous said...

Rebel,

As soon as the pool boy gets back from the local BevMo, I'm sending him out for a super-sized double order of Super Cheesy Cheesy Tots.

And a defibrillator.

Anonymous said...

DC, It's serious as a heart attack. Isn't that what the kids say nowadays?

Anonymous said...

Guy, in this case I think you mean:

Physician, serve yourself. Drinks are extra!

Anonymous said...

I've got a serious scoop that I bet you haven't been covering ...

Soloman said...

Hey Nickie - Here in Arizona, we put salsa on darn near everything. Do you know, is the blue cheese thing some kind of regional discrimination?

Regardless... I sure could go for a Bacon Triple Cheeseburger right now.

Anonymous said...

OK, DC... 'fess up! You've got my email.

Anonymous said...

Sol... Attorneys General don't eat salsa. What the hell's the matter with you!?

Opus #6 said...

And anyway, zoftig is a mark of beauty in some cultures.

Soloman said...

Sorry, Nickie - I was thinking of "Wise Latina Supreme Court Justices."

Is that racist of me? Better call the Southern Poverty Law Center...

Anonymous said...

Opie, it is at my house!

Anonymous said...

Sol, it all sounds a little "fishy", eh?

Soloman said...

Is that Rhambo "Dead Fish" fishy, or flag@whitehouse.gov fishy?

Either way, if it's about the current administration - it stinks.

Elizabeth said...

I was shocked when I heard a week or so ago that she was in the running for the position. How can a fat woman be the Surgeon General? Why would anyone look to her for advice on healthy eating habits?

Anonymous said...

If I eat that healthy I'll look like something that have to be pushed back into the water. Whale.

Rhod said...

Super-sizing has gone much too far when it includes Cabinet members. Government bloat, indeed.

The girl couldn't squeeze into Taft's White House bath tub.

Opus #6 said...

Rhod, isn't it better to get advice from somebody who has "been there"?

Rhod said...

Opie, it looks like she's still "there" and has no plans for leaving.

Anonymous said...

I am complex politically, I know. I support this part of the Obama Administration and giving us junk food lovers a voice. Thanks for this vital information.

Rhod said...

Tell the truth, DC. You had 47 Roy Rogers franchises before the Hardees massacre.

And what did you use to tenderize that roast beef, brake fluid?

Anonymous said...

Tricia, It seems to be yet another farce pushed onto us my this administration.

Anonymous said...

Mammon, calm down. We're talking about delicious and nutritious deep-fried cheese.

Manna from Heaven, man.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, DC. Yet another Goomba News Network public service.

Anonymous said...

I recall the Popeye's - Roy Rogers riots back in the 80's. Let's not stir up that gravy again.

Why can't we all just gnaw our drumsticks together?

Anonymous said...

Opie, you know Rhod hasn't spoken to Monica Lewinsky in at least 10 years.

Rhod said...

Foiled again...