July 27, 2013

Goober Peas

I learned this song in grade school.
For some reason I just thought of it today.
I don't know why.
It was sung by Confederate soldiers during the Civil War.
Life was tough enough for the Johnnies and then all you had to eat were peanuts.

Sitting by the roadside on a summer's day
Chatting with my mess-mates passing time away
Lying in the shadows underneath the trees
Goodness how delicious eating goober peas.

Peas, peas, peas, peas
Eating goober peas
Goodness how delicious
Eating goober peas.

These are the rest of the stanzas.

When a horse-man passes, the soldiers have a rule
To cry out their loudest, 'Mister, where's your mule?'
But another custom, enchanting-er than these
Is wearing out your grinders, eating goober peas.


Just before the battle, the General hears a row
He says 'The Yanks are coming, I hear their rifles now.'
He looks down the roadway and what d'you think he sees?
The Georgia Militia cracking goober peas.


I think my song has lasted just about enough.
The subject's interesting but the rhymes are mighty rough.
I wish the war was over so free from rags and fleas
We'd kiss our wives and sweethearts, say good-bye to goober peas.


Archbishop Tutu: Too Too Far Off The Reservation

Archbishop Desmond Tutu has a preference.
The South African Nobel peace laureate Archbishop Desmond Tutu says he will never worship a 'homophobic God' and would rather go to hell than find himself in a 'homophobic heaven'.
No problem, we can work with that. Just don't ask for sympathy when you ultimately receive what you asked for. Make sure you bring a sun blocker of SPF 6,000,000,000 with you. It won't help but perhaps you won't be as crispy.
The retired archbishop said the fight against homophobia in South Africa was similar to the campaign waged against racial apartheid in South Africa.
Scripture is absolutely clear on this, those who use men as they would use a woman are specifically condemned by the Creator. There is no ambiguity possible. There is no similarity: race is not a choice, consensual sodomy is.
Archbishop Tutu, 81, was speaking at the launch of the UN's first global campaign to promote gay rights.

That's not the only travesty the UN is promoting. The UN wants a global carbon policy (all the better to steal from wealthy nations), invites the world's most vicious regimes to sit on UN human rights commissions and stood idly by while 800,000 people were slaughtered in Rwanda.  The promotion of murder and mayhem has been part of the UN agenda for decades.

Archbishop Tutu has wandered too too far off the reservation. He has chosen to please Man rather than his Savior. He needs to reconsider his position and ignore the liberal crap that permeates his church. So here you go, biblical references to consider:
Leviticus 18:22 - You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.
Abomination. That's sorta like Obamacare only the IRS does the heavy fudge packing.
Leviticus 20:13 - If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death. Their bloodguiltiness is upon them.
This is a twofer Tutu.
It is not better to give rather than receive.
Romans 1:26-27 - For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error.
The rapid spread of AIDS was exacerbated by the preternatural sexual urges of homosexuals. It was not uncommon for them to have 1,000 trysts a year, all with different men. If a straight male needed to have sex with two or three different woman every night we'd say there was something wrong with him. Not so gays.
I Corinthians 6:9(NIV) - Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
God's seating chart trumps yours Tutu.
I Timothy 1:8-11 (NASB) - "But we know that the Law is good, if one uses it lawfully, realizing the fact that law is not made for a righteous person, but for those who are lawless and rebellious, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers and immoral men and homosexuals and kidnappers and liars and perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound teaching, according to the glorious gospel of the blessed God, with which I have been entrusted."
That's some pretty rude company you're keeping Archbishop. Indeed, Jesus sat and ate with sinners - He loved them and did not wish to see them suffer the consequences, but He did not defend their actions. His words to them were: "Go and sin no more." Your words seem to be, "Bruce, make sure you bring the KY and the KFC to the picnic."
Jude 1:6-7 (NASB) - And angels who did not keep their own domain, but abandoned their proper abode, He has kept in eternal bonds under darkness for the judgment of the great day, just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the cities around them, since they in the same way as these indulged in gross immorality and went after strange flesh, are exhibited as an example in undergoing the punishment of eternal fire.
There ya go Desmond, fixed it for ya. No matter how you prepare it or what sauces you use, "Strange Flesh" is not part of the Christian menu.


This Is Wild!

Looks like a blast, but I can almost hear the sound of lawsuits hitting the courts for injuries and dementia from traumatic brain damage. We are humans, not porpoises.

July 26, 2013

I... Can't... Help... It

Wow. The last three posts have all been "Weiner-oriented" or have mentioned him.
And I have just about worn out the " key.

I have obviously been suffering from some form of "Weiner fixation.
Oops. There goes the    key.

Weiner this. Weiner that.
Weiner here. Weiner there.
Weiner how. Weiner why. Weiner when.
Huma mad. Huma forgives. Huma loves.
Huma overdoses on eyeliner.

I simply must refocus to preserve my artistic, editorial and journalistic integrity.

Please wish me luck.
Here goes.


Niger's interior minister says a body fell from an Air France plane as it approached the West African country's capital, Niamey, and was discovered lifeless in western suburb.
Niamey and its suburbs have an international reputation for lousy cuisine. But on the plus side, their service is also horrendous which does please the French.
Abdou Labo said a resident was standing just a few meters from where the body landed at around 5 a.m. Thursday. He said police arrived and found "the lifeless body of a black person, lying in blood."

French authorities refuse to comment on why this mysterious, unidentified resident was targeted. It was also reported that the body landed late, several hours behind its scheduled landing. Its luggage is also missing.
He also said blood had been spotted on the left wing of the plane.
Since the incident occurred on a Wednesday, French flight union regulations state that the right wing cannot be inspected until the following Monday, or maybe Tuesday... after lunch.
Labo said the plane was coming from Burkina Faso's capital, Ouagadougou, and was scheduled to continue to Paris.
To reload.
Officials were holding the plane in Niamey so crew members and passengers could be interviewed. Investigators in Ouagadougou are also looking into "the conditions in which the passengers boarded."
Authorities in Ouagadougou report that:
a) the initial investigation indicates that all passengers were alive and not falling when they boarded the aircraft, and
b) they are running short of vowels.

You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up...

Weiner's wounded wifey Huma thought "long and hard" about leaving her husband, the embattled NYC Mayoral nomination-seeking pervert Anthony Weiner, when his second round of Tweet junk posting hit the media.

Questions abound.

Why couldn't Huma use a different expression?  Something along the lines of "I thought long and lubriciously as my sinewy, soft, silky..."

Why couldn't Anthony use Facebook?

Why can't we bring back the old songs?

Let's all sing like the Weiner sings
Tweet Tweet Tweet Tweet Tweeeeeet
Let's flash our junk and see what it brings
Tweet Tweet Tweet Tweet Tweeeeeet

Can't help it, as kids we watched "Sing Along With Mitch" for years.
Gee, does anyone remember "It's Three O'Clock in the Morning"?

Where were we? Oh yeah. Headlines from the UK Daily Mail:
Huma 'thought long and hard about leaving' Weiner when he told her he 'relapsed' and started messaging other women but she decided to go ahead with mayoral race
  • Anthony Weiner's wife appeared at a Tuesday press conference confirming that she knew that he messaged women after his resignation
  • Friends say she was 'furious' when she first found out months ago
  • She knew that he hadn't hit 'rock bottom' and thought the relapse was part of the healing process
Weiner informed his wife that he "relapsed."

Funny thing, whenever I locked up a guy for who felt he had to wave his wand to save the world, I never used the charge "Public Relapsing - 2nd Degree".

I never had a shocked parent tell me this: "He opened his coat, spread his legs and with both hands relapsed right in front of my kids' bus stop! Three times!".

If Weiner was a conservative, this conversation wouldn't be taking place. Conservatives don't have Phoenix-like resurrections to inflict on the voters after moral turpitude incidents. Their base does not suffer fools gladly..

July 25, 2013

I Too Have Been Drunk And Lonely

From the annals of the NY Post, we are treated to an explanation of why a television personality chose to send images of himself wearing nothing but a towel and a pair of glasses. Mercifully his naughty bits were concealed under a strategically positioned towel.
Geraldo Rivera attempted an explanation of his nearly naked self portrait on his syndicated radio show yesterday. In a nutshell, he said there was alcohol involved, that he had no one to talk to and he was amazed by his 70-year-old body.

Television personality Eric Bolling and former New York governor Eliot Spitzer called into Rivera’s show and tried to get to the bottom of the accidental twitpic.

Bolling asked, "Of all the people that should know better, it should be you. What were you thinking?"

Rivera explained, "There I was, 2:30 in the morning on Sunday morning. You know, I do the show Saturday night, I did a great show on black-on-black crime and race relations and the Trayvon Martin fallout and federal charges ... and I get home and there's no one to talk to, everyone's asleep.
I stopped drinking over thirty years ago. But up until then, whenever everyone was asleep and I had a taste or two under my belt - off came the clothes and my junk was stowed under a tastefully arrayed swatch of cotton. Then out came the Polaroid and in a few seconds I was looking for stamps, envelopes and my address book. There was just so much of me that I wanted to share.
“And you just sit around, I had a drink and, you know, I had taken that picture Saturday morning and I was looking at it, just going through and I said 'you know, I gotta tweet this thing. I look pretty good for a 70-year-old.'
I can't read this self-serving journalistic schlock anymore. This is an adult(?) male who craves attention and will do anything to get in the news, whether it's news or not. And this is not news.

Geraldo and Weiner should be forced to spend some time together in a prison cell exposing themselves to each other. Then we'll see just how amazing they think they are.

July 23, 2013

Wonder Weiner

Pssst! He sent me one too!

There's just no keeping a good Weiner down I guess. Does Huma keep a leash on that thing?

From Brietbart:
New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner admitted on Tuesday to sending additional explicit photos and texts to a woman he met online _ correspondence she says began months after he resigned from Congress for similar behavior.

The allegation could severely test voters' willingness to forgive Weiner, who has said he spent the two years since the scandal trying to make things right with his wife and earn redemption.

Weiner, who resigned his House seat in June 2011 after acknowledging having sexual conversations with at least a half-dozen women, has been near the top of most mayoral polls since his late entry into the race this spring.

"I said that other texts and photos were likely to come out and today they have," said Weiner in a statement released by his campaign. "I want to again say that I am very sorry to anyone who was on the receiving end of these messages and the disruption this has caused."

Weiner did not say when the newly revealed exchanges occurred, but he said his behavior created "challenges in our marriage that extended past my resignation."

The new lewd correspondence was posted Monday by the gossip website The Dirty. The woman involved was not identified.
I say, let the man embrace his inner Weiner! Cry Havoc and let slip the Weiner!

Elect this man, New York!

 Huma Taking Her Weiner For A Walk.

Elect him and let Anthony Weiner put the elasticity of men's briefs to the test for New York!
Let the Hanes howl!
Make Jockey fall off that horse!
Lower the Boom on Fruit of the Loom!
Mayor Bloomberg introduced the Nanny City, let Mayor Weiner make it the Banana City!

Huma is writing a book, "The Care and Feeding of Your Weiner."