Santa's Summer Job

On an August day hot and sweaty

I was nagged by my wife Betty

To mow the grass as it was getting rather long

As I am getting on in years

And of heat stroke I’m afeard

I decided to hire someone who was young and strong

Never did I expect

That the man I’d soon select

To mow the lawn would be a source of so much grief

But when he showed up the next day

With his lawn mower on his sleigh

He was clad in nothing more than a pair of briefs

“Dear Sir!” I proclaimed

“The way you’re dressed! Aren’t you ashamed?

You resemble a bandaid hugging a great big side of beef!

If you persist in cutting my grass

Your thong will slip and show your ass!”

But all he did was look at me in disbelief.

“Young man,” he said with sorrow

“If I may, I’d like to borrow

A more appropriate garb with which to do my work.”

I agreed to this simple task

And upon my return I asked

Why he was dressed like some kind of nudist jerk.

He said, “It all began in two thousand ten

With Obamacare and then

An EPA visit forced me to close my reindeer farms.

The IRS reduced me to tears

Saying I was heavily in tax arrears

And then OSHA grabbed me for having no fire alarms.”

“The elves all went on strike

Mrs. Claus ran off with some dyke

Dasher and Dancer were shot to death on Opening Day

Donner and Blitzen I had to eat

Prancer and Vixen – I jerked their meat

Comet and Cupid just up and ran away.”

“Rudolph’s the only one who's left

And for this I'm truly blessed

Because I need someone to help pull that heavy sled.

I’m severely overweight

And my girlfriend’s three weeks late

To tell the truth I think I’d be better off dead.”

I was silenced, I was humbled!

“Please forgive me Santa,” I mumbled

And I let him finish my lawn with no further delay

He was fast and he was good

And in fifteen minutes he stood

Loading his mower on the flat bed of his sleigh.

Once he lashed it to the deck

He wanted cash (wouldn’t take a check)

And he grabbed the reins and gave Rudolph a whistle

Then I heard him loudly exclaim

“Obama’s an asshole! He’s to blame!”

And he took off just like a guided missile.

Thanks to FoTM for the pic.