Detroit - Former child movie star and Government Automobile Collective line worker, Johnny Five was found discharged and over-lubricated outside a Detroit scrapyard early yesterday. First reports indicate death by aerosol lubricant combined with terminal battery failure. He suffered from several ferrous conditions. His death has been ruled a suicide. Mr. Five was twenty-five.
Following a declining big-screen career, Mr. Five was employed at the former General Motors Saturn assembly line, producing over three million chassis spot welds per day. Five was terminated in the widely applauded, Obama-sponsored, employment upsizing and cost-expansion program at GAC. He was replaced by 11,524 UAW employees in an effort to increase production inefficiency.
Following his termination, Mr. Five was rumored to have fallen into Liquid Wrench and battery-charger addiction, sometimes remaining on a charger for several days at a time. His former agent Ira Schwartz revealed that Five was working on a book entitled "Running Skunk Dogs of Socialism", chronicling his days at GAC and later dismissal. He claimed in his 2008 interview with Popular Mechanics that he was unable to obtain licensing for his book from the Obama Office of Cultural Affairs, Literary, Non-Fiction Department.
Five's long-time companion, R2D2, said that he left no will but his wishes were that he be recycled. No calling hours are planned.
18 comments:
Thanks for posting, Rhod. I didn't hear about that. At least there are thousands of Obama trolls that are working in his place, though.
And you posted the picture of him winking. I think I am going to get verklempt. Discuss amongst yourselves ...
Is Johnny winking at the camera? Man, he was a flirt!
Jay-Fiver, as his friends called him, was a flirt all right. But as you both noticed, the eye problem was a result of circuit damage due to his addictions.
Johnny will be missed. I read in a business section yesterday that Saturn, in twenty years, has never made a profit.
Then there's that guy in the TV ads that states Saturn is making cars that Americans want. DA ... you'd still be around if you did ... Johnny.
Well played!
I hate to say it- but, he should have stayed in Montana with Stephanie and Newton.
Poor guy.
Possibly a left sided stroke (as evidenced by cloudy right eye)caused by current political climate and the persecution he endured?
I know I'm grasping but, the thought of suicide is a hard one to take for such a great sentient being.
Go ahead of us in peace- great one.
I'll have a sip of Liquid Wrench in your memory
Word is that he had serious problems with his pneumatics, and he was refused a film retrospective at Sundance.
There's an old tale that he was fired for making a little steel wool nest,putting a handful of ball bearings inside as eggs, and putting it in the union steward's locker.
What a guy. Great sense of humor.
As funny as your post was, it was a sad day for us, once again, who live here. Many of my friends drove Saturns, it was my daughter's first car. And the last models were damn good too, to boot.
Redundancy fueled addictions are some of the most difficult to overcome.
RIP, J-5.
It's so sad when they have to "check out" at an early age. But this is still a better way to go than jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge...you should see how much that cost the tax payers with the emergency response units and all.
(some people think I have a black humor)
#5...not...alive?
That´s it; time to disassemble this administration.
CI, Jay-Fi' would sink. No rescue, no expense.
Rotti, was there actually a cult around the Saturn? Something like Saturnalia?
P-Girl, he's on his way to the recycler. He'll be resurrected in your next powder compact.
Mike, the administration is in need of a little IN-PUT of the right kind.
I have no words.
Neither does Jay-Fi', cbullitt. He bit his last bit configuration.
I don't quite know why this has saddened me so deeply. As you know, Rhod, I was a close friend and neighbor of Maria, who starred in the 1927 silent hint 'Metropolis'. I met with her daily until her death in 1991. Upon finding her remains crumpled over her window flowerbox, my only reaction was to drive the chromium carcass down to the recycling center and trade it in for eight dollars. No sadness. No emotion. Heck, she was a robot!
But now this. 5 represents the great American Dream, and it's breaking my heart to see that die.
Maria from "Metropolis"? Yum.
You didn't call me, did you? Maybe we could have done a junk sculpture for the atrium at Casa De Goomba, or something.
5 was ready, I think. He saw the future and it was nanobots. He was a Stanley Steamer compared to those little devils.
I suppose some government entity will require all his oil to be drained and a slurry of silicate added to make sure his motor is never recycled. RIP
Probably, TF, but for DNA contamination alone, Bill Clinton is a Hazmat site.
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