Pages

November 6, 2009

Local Dentist kills 3, injures 7


Three people have been killed and 7 injured at Shirlene's Salmon & Honey Shack on Fester Street in a rampage that officials believe was carried out by a local dentist who was scheduled for a Brazilian bikini wax later that afternoon.

The assailant was identified by the Carlisle Pennysaver as Dr. Charles Stearns, a local dentist. Stearns was initially reported to have been sedated with a tranquilizer dart, but police told a late night news conference that Stearns was wounded and in custody. Dr. Stearns is not talking to authorities, said police.

Stearn's brother, 'Big Frank' Stearns, issued this statement late Thursday.

"We are shocked and saddened by the terrible events at The Salmon & Honey Shack today. We send the families of the victims our most heartfelt sympathies," the statement read. "Charlie is an American citizen. He was Born in Carlisle and raised here in Carlisle... Our family loves Carlisle. We are proud of Carlisle, and saddened by today's tragedy. We hope that hate groups will not jump to conclusions"

Sterns allegedly broke through the store's front door, devoured 3 gallons of honey and almost 50 pounds of smoked salmon. He then attacked a costumed group of customers who had gathered in the store prior to the start of downtown Carlisle's annual Trout Festival & Parade. Among the wounded was a female security officer who tried to pry a package of expensive Salmon Jerky from Stearns' grasp.

At this time, officials are unwilling to speculate as to a motive for the attack.

15 comments:

Cbullitt said...

A spokescreature for Grizzlies are Really Innocent Pretend Eskimos, GRIPE, said it was a case of entrapment perpetrated by racists, as Charlie was the only one in town who would have been tempted by the bounty.

Anonymous said...

Cbull, I believe it should be pointed out that dentists are, overwhelmingly, generous and peace-loving people.

Rhod said...

Shirlene's is a gathering place for anti-dentites. They got what was coming to them.

Northman said...

I always knew it. Dentists are evil and they are trying to kill us!

Anonymous said...

Death to the honey-gobblers, Rhod.

Anonymous said...

Dillinger, open the Dental Camps.

Jim said...

I was in the elevator this morning and smelled salmon.

I was afraid to turn around....

Opus #6 said...

I remember hearing as a kid. Dentists have the highest suicide rate of all the professions. Do you think the poor guy was depressed?

Anonymous said...

James, I never turn around in elevators.

Anonymous said...

Opie, how can we ever know. Later reports have hinted that he may be a bear. Here we go again... blame the bears. Why can't we all just get along?

Rhod said...

When you dental professional smells like salmon, it's time for that person to rinse.

T. F. Stern said...

Same comment I gave Rhod,

You get 1 Snark Star and 1 Crescent Moon for your efforts.

Rhod said...

TF, I got a crescent moon from the rear window of a school bus this morning.

Anonymous said...

Does a dentist deficate in the woods?

Rhod said...

When he's losing at a golf game, he does.