July 20, 2013

Helen Thomas: Going Ugly Early

"Go Ugly Early" was  the motto of the Air Force's anti-tank masterpiece, the A-10 Warthog. It was also the motto of the late newspaper Warthag Helen Thomas. She died today at the age of ... it doesn't matter. Like Medusa, she is now a legend ... but without the attractive qualities afforded by snakes.

"Pretty" or "comely" - even "so -so" - were phrases that were never directed at Helen. Helen's college yearbook inscription proved to be prophetic: "Never ascribe to misfortune what can be more readily attributed to bad breath and saggy tits."

What follows is a brief photo essay of Helen's life.

 This was as good as it ever got for Helen. She was not a virgin by choice, but by popular demand. The amount of alcohol needed to be consumed by a male before attempting a sexual union with Helen always proved to be fatal. She was even spurned by yeast infections.

President John F. Kennedy, who once tried to screw the crack of dawn, here refuses to accept Helen's telephone number by pretending that his right hand is paralyzed. Helen then attempted to give her number to the police officer standing behind JFK. The officer immediately arrested her for Criminal Menstruation.

First Lady Betty Ford introduces Helen to the notorious Romanian serial rapist, Zoran Tapavica. Thinking the only way for Helen to get a man was to enlist the services of a sex fiend, Betty's matchmaking ended disastrously when Zoran chose instead to beat himself to death with a sash weight from the Lincoln Bedroom.

 Upon her return from a three week stint in Haiti covering a voodoo convention, Helen practices the ancient voodoo "Stink Eye" Copulation Charm on Vice President Al Gore. Thinking Helen was possibly suffering from a stroke, White House staff tied her down and forcibly administered an enema.

Helen gleefully celebrates the loss of her virginity at the hands of President Obama who used a pickle fork and one of Michelle's frozen Ding Dongs. The Ding Dong is on life support surrounded by anxious nurse cup cakes on the paper plate... it is  barely breathing.


IanH said...

Way over the line!

Doom said...

Going ugly is one thing, it's the staying late that got to me. *dances on grave*

Opus #6 said...

Are you sure Nickie Goomba didn't guest-write this post?

Supi said...

The A-10 is prettier than Helen.

sig94 said...

Ian - Helen always brought out the best in me.

sig94 said...

Doom - she was like the Ford Edsel; just when you think they're gone, you see one and you have to fight the same gag reflex.

sig94 said...

Opus- I have started channeling my inner Goomba.

sig94 said...

Supi - My Dad worked for Republic Aviation (down off Rte 110 in Farmingdale, LI) but the last Republic jet he worked on was the F-105 Thunderchief. Then he worked for Grumman's on the F-14 Tomcat. The A-10 was produced after Fairchild bought Republic. Yes, it is a fabulous aircraft, not ugly at all. In fact, beauty can and does follow function w/r/t this plane.

Rhod said...

Testing...sort of

Rhod said...

Ah, new drugs helped me to remember that Goomba and Helen and that cowpoke, DC, were a trifecta from hell some years back. Fistfights, canings, DC's Red Sails in the Sunset, the fire hydrant collection at Helen's place, Rear Admirals for every bellboy in the tri-state area, and the Rumble Seat game that Helen dreamed up.

Years ago over coffee Goomba showed me the molar Helen gave him as a token. DC had her unused corn plasters...little jewels of remembrance in the neon nights that they spent prowling her old haunts.

I see this place hasn't changed much. Sig keeps the standards low enough for Odie. Opie is here and Doom, too. Amazing.

See ya

Kid said...

A fitting send off Mr Sig.

I don't follow this idiotic fake BS of 'not speaking ill of the dead'. she did more work for the commies to put the hurt on this country as any of the bastards, so Good Riddence is all I have to say.

I have a big list of folks, mostly democrats that fit in that box as well.
Guilty of more human suffering as any war crimes perp in history and they can all go to hell.

Kid said...

BTW, Here's an observation about the resistance going dark. Looking at the right sidebar of "The New Pamphleteers", I see entries that are 3 and 4 months old.

Pre-obama part II, nothing in that list would be more than a couple days old.

Opus #6 said...

Rhod, it is nice to see you as well. :-)

Anonymous said...

This is the kind of thing that turns people off to the GOP, this kind of petty schoolyard mockery, giggling and making fun of a woman's looks. Considering that Romney (an admittedly handsome man) lost the women's vote by a good percentage, you better hope that Hillary doesn't run in 2016, but even if she doesn't, if this blog post is what passes for conservative thought, you can kiss the White House goodbye even if Biden gets the nomination.

sig94 said...

yeti - take a deeeeeep breath and chill.