My books are platitudinous piles of remaindered crap. My only friends are found in the world's thugocracies,in the leftist media, in the current White House, and around Democratic Party fire dances. I have the enduring charm of a diligent dung beetle on his appointed rounds.
I'm the model for every social climbing political pig of the old, racist, anti-Semitic south; the prototype of that species of spiritless, sewer-trout evangelical normally found only in fiction and the mind of Manhattan liberals (but they love me anyway). My pole star is Revenge. With my bulging, gelatinous eyes, my yellow Chicklet overbite teeth, my blast-wound mouth and rubber-chicken pallor, next to Jack Murtha I'm the most gag-inducing figure in public life.
My political career has been one of the most macabre historical accidents in history. I've single-handedly launched the most luminous record of parochial idiocy, snotty parsimony, American humiliation, cosmic incompetence and buffoonery ever seen in this country. I fill the shoes of 10% of a human being.
I've gawked and grinned like a jackass eating briars, and shambled stooped and stupid in the company of dictators. I was joined on the public stage by my wretched harridan of a wife - the silverware and China hallmark inspector, and bitter counter of toilet paper sheets - Rosalyn. I claimed that I was a nuclear physicist after one no-credit Physics course in college.
To XM Radio's Bob Edwards (Oct 10, 2007) I once said:
"...I have a specific regret in not having one more helicopter to rescue our hostages. If I had one more helicopter they would have been rescued. I might have been re-elected President".
Recently, I said that you, dear readers, are racists because you oppose President Obama. That might be me posting here, occasionally, in the "Comment Deleted by Administrator".
Who am I? Better yet, what am I?