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September 18, 2009

Who Am I?

My books are platitudinous piles of remaindered crap. My only friends are found in the world's thugocracies,in the leftist media, in the current White House, and around Democratic Party fire dances. I have the enduring charm of a diligent dung beetle on his appointed rounds.

I'm the model for every social climbing political pig of the old, racist, anti-Semitic south; the prototype of that species of spiritless, sewer-trout evangelical normally found only in fiction and the mind of Manhattan liberals (but they love me anyway). My pole star is Revenge. With my bulging, gelatinous eyes, my yellow Chicklet overbite teeth, my blast-wound mouth and rubber-chicken pallor, next to Jack Murtha I'm the most gag-inducing figure in public life.

My political career has been one of the most macabre historical accidents in history. I've single-handedly launched the most luminous record of parochial idiocy, snotty parsimony, American humiliation, cosmic incompetence and buffoonery ever seen in this country. I fill the shoes of 10% of a human being.

I've gawked and grinned like a jackass eating briars, and shambled stooped and stupid in the company of dictators. I was joined on the public stage by my wretched harridan of a wife - the silverware and China hallmark inspector, and bitter counter of toilet paper sheets - Rosalyn. I claimed that I was a nuclear physicist after one no-credit Physics course in college.

To XM Radio's Bob Edwards (Oct 10, 2007) I once said:

"...I have a specific regret in not having one more helicopter to rescue our hostages. If I had one more helicopter they would have been rescued. I might have been re-elected President".

Recently, I said that you, dear readers, are racists because you oppose President Obama. That might be me posting here, occasionally, in the "Comment Deleted by Administrator".

Who am I? Better yet, what am I?

25 comments:

innominatus said...

>>>next to Jack Murtha I'm the most gag-inducing figure in public life.

True, but there are MANY contenders for that position!

Writer X said...

Soon to be the second worst President in American history.

Opus #6 said...

While all of these things are horrifyingly true, what is worse is that I am beginning to miss his leadership.

el chupacabra said...

Ha to our dear Opusstasaurius- funny becaues it's true. Sad because well- it's true.

I feel slightly uncomfortable about calling him as I see him because I TRULY do not want to hurt the feelings of people raising or otherwise caring for a retarded person but, I'm quite sure he is in fact retarded. He and Michael Moore both perplex me in that they have the world wrapped around their little fingers and are demonstrably afflicted with a condition that should ( and rightfully so) provide them with SSI and job and life skills training instead of gazillions of dollars in speaking fees and movie and book deals- much less the disturbing fact a BIG percentage of the world population believes everything that comes out of their mouths after it passes through their dim witted brains.

PS I thought someone said we'd never have to hear anything out of that gooberhead after he won the Nobel. Was I lied to?

Rhod said...

All, he's like an abscess that they've grown to like. God has a sense of humor with the Progs.

Quite Rightly said...

The other turban-wearing president!

Lynnae said...

I think the progressives are desperate for another old revered figure in their party. Note to whover propped Carter up... age and wisdom don't always go hand in hand.

Rhod said...

They ran out of Kennedys, then Cuomo fizzled out as a pompous gasbag, and Clinton is a satyr.

No one alive cares about FDR, they hate Truman and Johnson openly and Gore secretly, Kerry can't string two comprehensible sentences together, McGovern is still a loser, Dukakis is a weenie, and I'm not even mentioning the mold in Congress. Biden is actually the best they have, and he's got the intelligence of an eggplant.

Throwing Carter out there is incomprhensible. They have to be desperate.

Kid said...

God DOES have a sense of humor.

Left Coast Rebel said...

Agree with Writer X, the Peanut Farmer hisself. Awesome post.

Anonymous said...

As I call him the peanut boob.

Red said...

Oo!Oo! Mistah Cattah! The person most in need of this

Anonymous said...

cankles, now there's one I haven't heard in a while. cankles, I thought it was only me.

christian soldier said...

Who am I?...

Hmmm-the guy who left American hostages in Iran for over a year!?/
C-CS

Anonymous said...

Glorious screed, Rhod.

It's interesting because so much of what is happening now reminds me of then ... except I think we are in more danger now as a nation, and the nation has awoken earlier. The wrath against Carter didn't really appear until the hostages lingered and he was proven to be what he has shown himself to be of late.

Your prior comment shows how far and hard the Left has fallen -- that Carter could be viewed as some sort of elder statesman, rather than the mere failure that he was.

We will prevail.

JihadGene said...

The Jack Murtha line was beautiful!

Barking Spider said...

Unreal that they should troll out Carter, of all people, to play the race card - he was a shit president and that performance was a shit Lefty ploy to stifle legitimate debate! It simply doesn't work anymore and leaves them looking like the vindictive idiots that they are!!

LL said...

The things I miss about Jimmy Carter:

* A frigging rabbit scared the crap out of him. Remember that, the whole "killer rabbit thing"?

* Billy Beer. His brother Billy provided constant amusement - in much the same way as Michelle Obama does now. Billy was an affable drunk. Michelle is a bitch.

*21% mortgage interest. I had all that money to deduct...

And yes, he's the second worst president in history now.

The Vegas Art Guy said...

The bad dream my son keeps having?

Or is it the bad dream I keep having?

Not sure...

Anonymous said...

Can I buy a vowel?

T. F. Stern said...

We used to have a dog with the nick name "Cutta" because anytime the dog passed gas one of the kids would say, "Cuttas doin it again".

J. Pazzesco said...

Jimmah AKBAR!

Rhod said...

You can buy a vowel, but the short term interest rate is 19.75%, Rule of 78, with monthly payments no larger than $5.00.

Libertarian Advocate said...

Obviously, you're talking about the guy who brought us the Mullahs of Qom and the Islmic Republic of Iran. The really scary thing is this from Rasmussen Reports:

"For nearly one-out-of-three voters (32%), Jimmy Carter is the living ex-president who has done the best job since leaving the White House, according to a new Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey."

which seems COMPLETELY at odds with this poll, also out of Rasmussen:

" 'Progressive' is becoming more of a dirty word, but all political labels – except “being like Ronald Reagan” - are falling into disfavor with many U.S. voters, according to a new Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey.

'Liberal' is still the worst and remains the only political description that is viewed more negatively than positively. Being like Reagan is still the most positive thing you can say about a candidate.

Just 15% of voters say they view the description of a candidate as politically liberal as positive, down four points from last November. Forty-one percent (41%) see it as a negative description, up five points form the earlier survey, while 42% say it’s somewhere in between."

GO FIGURE!!!

Rhod said...

The 32% figure is close to the percentage of Americans who describe themselve as liberal.

That includes the mystical idiot next door who dries the dew on his garden melons every morning, to the violent trust fund turd in some rent-controlled NYC apartment. They're all nuts.